Polaris to Wild Desu said:
The second and more pressing concern was that I didn't - and still kind of don't - know how to respond. So many people posted, and with such lovely encouragement, I didn't know how to really answer to it in a way I think pays it justice. I also felt almost embarrassed at the "scene" I made, as if I was pining for attention. I recently realized that the second point is pure crap and just me "not giving a shit about the good things I do", as Fab puts it. When it's boiled down, it was me posting about negative events and emotions in the negativity thread. That's it. If so many people responded, it's because they're super nice and actually cared, not because I was begging for sympathy. And you know what? If I was, I was doing it subconsciously. I can't blame myself for that, because sometimes you really DO need some touch to keep going. And strength from the interwebs lead to healing here, and I just have to take that and be grateful and go with it.
So I will be replying there, and in other places, soon. Maybe it will look awkward, maybe it won't be enough. But I am human, and flawed at heart, and I just have to accept that.
Captain Fabulous said:
If your depression is entirely based on the forums, I have good news: they've always been shit, glad to have you with us. That's why you're having difficulty finding goodness in things. Because things suck.
No, I think it had more to do with a combination of lots of pent-up sadness and worry and (unneeded) shame and a rather major IRL emotional smack to the face.
Most things in general ARE kind of terrible in many aspects, though, I can't deny that. But that never stopped me before. :b
Captain Fabulous said:
Don't know how to talk to people? Doesn't matter! Talk to them anyway. What kind of enormous shitlord wouldn't want to talk to you?
Yeah, I've noticed that the problem is mostly just me being shy and slightly paranoid and thinking that things will go worse than they actually do. I've actually tried walking up to someone I know and just striking up a conversation before (a rare feat, since most longer conversations require other people to start it), and everything pretty much went better than expected. I guess I underestimate most people, and myself, a part of my guarded nature I should really just let go of.
Captain Fabulous said:
Letting everyone down? Nope.
Well, it's just that
Captain Fabulous said:
No fuck you, no you aren't. That's only your perception.
I kind of just mean that my fam
Captain Fabulous said:
No fuck you don't argue with me. Maybe you fucked up a few times. Everybody does that. You just don't give a shit about the times you didn't fuck up. Guess what shitdick, everyone else remembers when you didn't fuck up. People will actually still like you even if you're being a depressed pile of dong.
...I guess so. Most of the times I mess up are things I'd have no trouble forgiving myself for, even if they were pretty horrible. But I often fail at the expense of other people. :/
It's super true that I don't give myself much or any credit for the good things I do, though. I should remember that...
Captain Fabulous said:
As for suicidal thoughts, brushing them away is the important part. Logically, you know you shouldn't. You know you shouldn't do a lot of things that some part of you wants to do. Like sleep with that one hot crazy chick? There's one specific (and loud) part of your brain that wants to, but your prefrontal cortex is like "NOOOOOOOO." And after you do it, you're gonna feel like shit. So for now, it's about being stronger than that urge. And much like how there will be other, less crazy, hot chicks, there is a lot of time for things to get better. And they will. I'm talking fuckin' decades of cool shit in the future.
This part of your post reminds me of a more inspirational Cracked for some reason.
But anyway. Don't worry. I'm very good at killing off those types of thoughts, especially since I know full well how stupid and pointless suicide actually is. Besides, it's less of an urge and more of a passing thought, like some little wind grazing by. It won't actually do anything, I think.
I also know that life is generally simpler, nicer, and more awesome than pretty much everybody gives it credit for. And there's a lot of it ahead of me, the whole "life is short" notion be damned.
Captain Fabulous said:
A cure? If it's severe depression—
Polaris said:
I can't even bring myself to care about bumping a half-year old thread.
Oh fuck. For severe depression like this, you can't get out alone. Share it with those who are willing to listen. Don't assume that no one wants to hear about it, because there are people who actually care. You know who they are.
Not sure if half joking, or serious...
At any rate, I...kinda
did get out alone. Maybe. At least, alone in the sense that I didn't really talk with anyone like you probably thought I should. I had a little more help than that.
At any rate, while I don't actually have anyone to talk with, I do, and it's a really nice feeling to know that. And I can still look or wait for someone like that, I still have time to forge an actually really good friendship with someone, which I don't have, except I do, which may or may not count.
The last paragraph was intentionally vague and confusing, by the way. Don't worry about it too much. Point is, I'll keep an eye out for an opportunity to talk with someone, or maybe make an opportunity myself. Depends on how things go, but I'll do it, I promise.
Captain Fabulous said:
The cure is giving a shit about yourself, having people you can trust, and finding things to love. Getting there is the challenge, and I can't help you with that, but someone else can.
The cure is very obvious. The cure is easy to use. I've been living it subconsciously for the past ~2 years. How I could forget such a fundamental aspect of myself, even in such a state, is beyond me. I guess it takes a special sort of person to point out the delicious metaphorical cookies I'd lost sight of.
Thank you so very much, Fabulous. :>
HaydenStudios said:
I'm very sorry to hear of your present mental state, Polaris. You're one of the most ebullient users I've known here, while also being one of the most mature. It surprises me that such thoughts have come upon a happy-go-lucky person like you.
I'm ashamed of myself; I actually had to go look up "ebullient". I thought I had a better vocabulary. :b
At any rate thanks, but...ehhh. You probably shouldn't be surprised, I have a history of these things. And I don't think I count as happy-go-lucky, either, it takes effort to maintain optimism, and I worry about pretty much everything. :v
HaydenStudios said:
I guess I can't give any expert advice on dealing with depression, because I wouldn't know... I guess sharing your thoughts with others like you are now would be a good start. Some people earlier on in this thread have said they feel best saying this stuff over the internet, but really the best way to deal with real life issues it to talk with real life people. Not that posting your sorrow here was a bad thing, but I can only help so much. My words of comfort are limited to being verbal. People in real life can offer comfort in more ways.
...words are pretty powerful, though.
And although I'm very secretive both on and off the Internet, I find it
a bit much easier to talk about my feelings and thoughts and stuff in this domain. I'm kind of incapable of talking to anyone I know about negative things, it's pretty uncomfortable for me. I'm trying to change that a bit, but for now I'm still rather averse to discussing anything even remotely personal with anyone.
Of course, I'm much better at talking about things like that in text...so maybe I should consider notes or something? I don't know.
HaydenStudios said:
I could make a large wall of text going into detail about how suicide is NOT the answer, and having you ask yourself what that would do emotionally to everyone around you, but I think you already know that, and at this point it sounds like you're brushing off these thoughts, so good for you. It's pretty hard to emotionally reach me. Even when things happen on the internet that make me write text that suggest I'm getting snippy, my face in front of the computer screen remains expressionless. Both in real life and on the internet, people have criticized me for being an emotionally sterile person. But if you went inactive and I had reason to suspect that you had committed suicide, then I would be very sad.
Yes, thank you. I've already spent a whole bunch of time considering suicide's effects on other people and stuff, and decided it's really pointless and selfish and cowardly. It's a bit like using Explosion, on a Ghost type, so it just kind of kills all your allies.
Also, don't worry. If I ever go inactive, a terrible and unlikely fate, it will probably not be of my own volition, and certainly not because I did something stupid like end my life. ._.
It's a bit touching in a slightly creepy way that you'd feel sad, though...I'd prefer you not be, kinda.
HaydenStudios said:
It sounds like you're having trouble bringing yourself to talk to others. I'm not sure exactly what your status is in life. I don't know whether you're still living under your parents' roof, or if you're out on your own now. But in any case, friends and family are supposed to support and be there for each other. Talk to some of your friends and family about this, they'll be able to help much more than any of us here could.
Yup! I'm a bit too withdrawn for that. Probably because of lasting reluctance, because talk doesn't exactly always lead to positive outcomes.
HaydenStudios said:
Also, don't worry about bumping this thread. Nobody's going to chew you out because you can get by with stuff like this now that you've been accepted by the community.
Aaaa, you make it sound like I'm part of the Mafia or something. Now I almost WANT to be chastised. D:
Wild Desu said:
Yo Polaris, as someone who has been dealing with depression for the last 11+ years of my life I totally know where you're coming from. If you need anything, and I literally mean anything, please message me. I'm always willing to lend an ear and support.
Just make sure you actually get your PM privileges back first, silly. :b
At any rate, you've proven your earnestness before. I'll keep it in mind. c:
Wild Desu said:
I can always try, don't worry.
Cy; that guy said:
Honestly Polaris, I'm really sorry about what you're going through. Especially since I've dealt with some depression myself.
Thanks, but it's okay. Life has its ups and downs, after all.
EnlightenedOne said:
You always have my best wishes, Polaris.
I hope that this depressive state does not last very long, since you are almost like a light against the darkness of the world. Have strength toward all the adversaries that may dare come in your way.
Oh, stop. I'm not quite that awesome. ¥v¥
And pretty much my only adversary is myself. Thank you, though.
But anyway. Even if I sound a little depressed still, all of the posts here, plus a bunch of other things, really had an impact on my spirit. That and a bunch of stuff I realized are a giant help, and maybe I'll even improve a little after all this is over and done with.
Maybe you haven't saved the world or anything like that, but a few words with the same intention are just as awesome.
