The Wish-Granting Game

[offtopic]
I wish for the death of every stupid human on the Earth.

Wish Granted!

The earth is now populated by brilliant minds, each contributing great new advancements to the world. However, these advancements led to a nuclear war, which ended up destroying the human race entirely. Good job.

I wish my homework was finished.

 

Granted. Your homework is finished and full of comments on your teachers' sexual preferences and death threats to your school's staff.

I wish I had already graduated from college.

 

Darn, I missed a good one

Done, but you just realized you've got all the wrong degrees.
Have fun trying to find a job when you major in Dance.

I wish to master the Zergling Rush.

Spoiler

I wish for the death of every stupid human on the Earth.

Heh, that would've killed off 99% of the human population.

 

Granted. Your homework is finished and full of comments on your teachers' sexual preferences and death threats to your school's staff.

I wish I had already graduated from college.

You now have a degree in Fudgepacking from FMIAP (Freddie Mercury Institute of Ass-Piracy).
(Not "Fuck Me I'm A Princess")

Also, Lowell >:[
You have mastered the Zergling rush, but unfortunately this makes you Korean. Everyone thinks you did something with the real Lowell and you're sent to jail in South Korea.

I wish for all the children of the world to hold hands and sing in harmony and happiness.

 

Granted. All the murderers and child-rapists have a field day.

I wish to know everything.

 

I wish for all the children of the world to hold hands and sing in harmony and happiness.

All of the children do exactly as you described around an apocalyptic flames, watching all of the adults who confined them for so many years burn away to ashes with the utmost glee, whilst singing satanic hymns.

I wish I could have a 3 feet long and 3 feet wide and 1 foot thick chocolate chip cookie on the floor in front of me.

 

After your fifth bite, you discover that it is actually a giant chocolate chip cookie that doubles as a spider nest. Still tastes the same, if you ignore the spiders.

I wish I had a decent mousepad.

 

After your fifth bite, you discover that it is actually a giant chocolate chip cookie that doubles as a spider nest. Still tastes the same, if you ignore the spiders.

I wish I had a decent mousepad.

Your mousepad is now fully clothed. Not exactly easy to use anymore, though.

I wish for telekinesis.

 

After your fifth bite, you discover that it is actually a giant chocolate chip cookie that doubles as a spider nest. Still tastes the same, if you ignore the spiders.

I wish I had a decent mousepad.

You got it. Your decent mousepad arrived, but on that same day
your mouse broke, so you go and look for a new one, and discovered that every brand of computer mice has been recalled for cancerous chemicals. The mouse that you had had these chemicals too, so you now have cancer.

I wish I could defy gravity when I wanted too.

 

You can now use your mind to levitate just by force of will, but the human mind can't take that kind of strain, so you'll probably get severe brain damage if you try.

I wish the user who posts after me gets rabies.

 

Granted.
Sadly, it's me, so I give it to you.

I wish wish-granting would cease giving the person who made the wish cancer.

 

Sure thing, all the cancer goes to the Cancer Jackpot. Whenever you break the game rules, all the accumulated cancer is given to you.

I wish the Superbowl was at the same time as the Olympic opening ceremonies, just to screw with everyone, since I won't be watching either.

 

Okey-dokey artichokey. However, both cerimonies are moved to your literal backyard, as it is the only suitable location both can be broadcasted from.

I wish I had a starsilver warhammer, placed at my feet in such a way as to not hurt me or cause any damage to the surface it is placed on, and that this hammer is to be the Rage Hammer, which I shall use it to smite the greatest dragon.

(+69 points if you've read the book I'm referencing.)

 

Granted. You obtained a silver hammer the size and sturdiness of a toothpick. Furthermore, you are subject to much ridicule because you believe that dragons still exist.

I wish to be healthy for the rest of my life in such a way that will not shorten my life.

 

Wish granted, but you live so long that you lost the ability to use your arms, legs, eyes, speech, brain, ears, and your heart and lungs.

I wish the names of members would stop appearing in my dreams.

...seriously.

 

Granted. You shall never sleep again.

I wish to be happy.

 

I wish to be happy.

Granted. Here's some LSD.

I wish I could walk on water, lava, sky, and land, while being able to swap between these abilities at will, knowing they would never fail me and would never weaken in strength, with no negative side effects.

 

Granted. Here's some LSD.

I wish I could walk on water, lava, sky, and land, while being able to swap between these abilities at will, knowing they would never fail me and would never weaken in strength, with no negative side effects.

Granted, you can walk on water, lava, sky, and land. Unfortunately your abilities do not protect you against heat. You get severe burns and lose both legs in a misguided attempt to walk on lava.

I wish for the ability to navigate dimensions at will without negative side effects to myself or others with the added ability to return to my home dimension at will, or automatically if my life is in danger or if I exceed a 2 hour duration in any dimension apart from my home dimension.

 

you go to another dimension, meet the hawtest girl in all existence, and just before you can screw her, your 2 hour time limit ends.

I wish I could access the internet in my hed.

 

Granted. You contract MyDoom b and become a zombie terminal, spewing spam at an alarming rate.

I wish dragons were real, and that they were angry at everyone except me.