The Wish-Granting Game

Granted, but... um, he hates you. And is your best friend.
I can't think of any way to make this a bad thing, except for killing Randall, which I refuse to do. You're lucky.

I wish my scrotum wasn't itchy.

 

Granted. She betrays and kills you because you accidentally wipe out humanity 20 years into the future. That still counts as good intentions no?

I wish that the majority of the wishes granted so far in this game will not be granted in real life.

 

Granted. Only the Earth-destroying and humanity-killing wishes are granted IRL.

I wish I knew how is it possible to skip a 12-hour-old post.

 

Granted. It's by not realizing that there is another page after the one you're on.

I wish to reach a state of inner peace.

 

Granted. As DeceasedCrab said, "Inner peace, outer violence, that's what I always say."

I wish to meet an alien.

 

Granted. It's me.

I wish for the good old days to return.

 

Granted. Though it's the good old days before you were born, and that moment will be frozen in time for all eternity. Enjoy your non-existance.

I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish for another wish.
I wish that the cake was not a lie.

 

The cake is not a lie; however, it is cake made of your flesh.

I wish I didn't have to euphanize the Companion Cube.

 

Granted. Now it euthanizes you.

I wish to take the Island down with me in a blaze of glory.

 

Granted, but it's hovering over Soviet Russia, so the Island ends up taking you down with it. Not as impressive.

I wish for breasts. Not on me.

 

Granted, you get 2 rotten festering chicken breasts, which you are forced to eat.

I wish for tile effect code to be easier to understand.

 

I wish for tile effect code to be easier to understand.

Granted. A large portion of your mental processing ability and knowledge of tile effect code is transferred to a random stranger. That person finds tile effect code a breeze due to the knowledge he was given and the increased mental processing ability. You on the other hand are a vegetable for the rest of your life, even moving a limb an inch requires more mental effort then you are now capable of.

I wish for the next person's wish to be "I wish to have cancer.", written that way exactly (only the text between the quotes in this sentence though) with no added words at the beginning or end.

 

Granted, but that wish isn't granted.

I wish to have cancer.

 

Granted but I didn't grant it, causing a paradox that tears open reality, absorbing all intelligent life and one banana.

I wish this cat would STOP SLEEPING ON MY COMPUTER.

 

Wish granted, your computer is now sleeping on your cat.
I wish for over nine thousand penises.

 

Wish granted, your computer is now sleeping on your cat.
I wish for over nine thousand penises.

Granted. You are gang raped by 9000 200+ lb men, 5 at a time in order. You are officially a cum dumpster.

I wish Capn Fab wasn't so slutty.

 

Granted. He's a whore instead.

I wish that you could comprehend the awesomeness that is DragonBoots.

 

Granted, exept nobody can comprehend the awesomeness that is DragonBoots and everyone's brain explodes. DragonBoots is the only human being left alive and eventually dies of separation anxiety.

I wish that my watch didn't tell the time out loud.

 

Granted, exept nobody can comprehend the awesomeness that is DragonBoots and everyone's brain explodes. DragonBoots is the only human being left alive and eventually dies of separation anxiety.

I wish that my watch didn't tell the time out loud.

Granted, it now tells the time in your head. It also tells you who to kill, slowly driving you insane. When you finally go to someone to tell them about the voices in your head, they send you to the crazy farm. You spend the rest of your life as a doped up vegetable.

I wish for the square root of -1.

 

Granted, but in order to be able to obtain the imaginary unit, you become imaginary too.

I wish for a pack of ordinary playing cards.