Infinityβ
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  • This is going to be the last time I make a profile post even remotely related to my problems.

    I truly apologize for making these profile posts. I shouldn't have brought any of this upon any of you. It's my suffering, not yours, and it's already probably become clear to all of you that you can't help me.
    By making these posts, I have driven you away from me, I have made you uncomfortable, I have made you dislike me, I have annoyed you, and I have made you lose respect for me.
    I've kept these feelings in for so long before I started making posts like this, and it has been getting to where I can't keep any of it in anymore, but that doesn't excuse any of it.
    I've lately been contemplating seeking a therapist, but to be honest, I don't think even they will be able to help me.

    From now on, I am not going to vent about my problems on here, or anywhere, unless it's with someone in private. None of you should have to be dragged down into this hell with me.
    andwhyisit
    andwhyisit
    Please see that therapist if you haven't already. Please don't fall into that classic trap of "it won't work" or "this is too hard". Just do it.
    I was delusional for thinking I was good at composing music.
    1659035999737.png
    Mint
    Mint
    Oh no I don't think you can't retain your cool around critism.
    It's moreso that you also gotta accept that sometimes people will not have positive points and that you should try not to have just one comment kill your confidence.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    I think I understand now.
    Mint
    Mint
    I'll just say consider the pointers you've been given and see it as a show of interest, best of luck with your music.
    You know you're horrible when you made Pixel uncomfortable. 1658720183503.png
    Embarr
    Embarr
    NahhaAhhHhhHhhHHahhahhh the dickeatin real bro, the dickeatin real. If this isn't ironic, then you need to cool down the fanaticism, man. Again, who cares, you're taking these questions too seriously, these people just don't know better (like you).

    Im sure it gets annoying after almost two decades, but they dont mean it in a bad faith. They love cave story (like you?) and they either just obsessed (like you), they're way too optimistic, or they just young and naive but they definitely will learn soon (i would say like you i just did but im not much older than you (unless you are actually 40 years older than me))
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    Rest assured, I am not a 40 year old man. I am, in fact, 15.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    Also, just wondering, why do you think this is ironic?
    I am broken. Unending despair has consumed me. Nothing you say can change that.

    Every project I've been involved in previously has failed. I'm a fraud because I make something and don't finish it. Project Ampersand was never finished because I'm incompetent. Someone wanted me to compose the soundtrack for a version of their Cave Story, mod. I've only finished a few tracks, and it takes me way too long. I wouldn't be surprised if I've been replaced by a certain someone because I never finish anything.

    What will likely happen after I'm 18 is that I'll never be able to make that game I want to make a reality, and I'll be stuck spending the rest of my life with a shitty job that I'd only get purely for getting money, and rotting away.

    I was delusional for ever thinking I could be an indie game developer. I was delusional for ever wanting to achieve anything I wanted to achieve. It's already too late. The majority of other people the same age and even younger are better than me at everything. Some of my friends can code, and I cannot. Somehow, music was the one thing I actually was able to become good at. (Even then, my music isn't noticed much, and everything seems to always be in favor of someone else) I'm lazy, burnt out, and demotivated 24/7, so it's impossible for me to become good at those things.

    This is my fate whether I like it or not. I can either put up with it, or die.
    X-Calibar
    X-Calibar
    There's more than one way to achieve a goal. You can paint a picture. You could hire someone to paint it for you. You could talk someone into painting for you. You could plan a long term goal, making plans that cannot be accomplished today, but may one day be completed when you have the resources or the opportunity to make it happen. You could make painting your hobby, with the hopes of one day reaching your goal, creating bit by bit. You could try making it a different format of media altogether, perhaps probing for what works/or creating related works before reaching your goal. Or perhaps now is not the right time for this? Perhaps you need time to let the dust settle, to have stability in life? (btw painting is just an analogy :p)

    Maybe tackle one goal at a time. Learning to motivate yourself perhaps could be the primary focus? Maybe try removing all the internet distractions while working on a skill. I think being unique is better than searching for some kind of perfection.

    Anyway, I think the biggest enemy to your work, and to most people would be themselves. If you can't master yourself, you are simply along for the ride. If you have time to wallow, then you have time to grow. Forcing yourself to logically take the next step, breaking out of the prison that holds you back, whatever that may be. It's like climbing Mount Everest! Every step might hurt, but if you force yourself to reach towards your goal, knowing that the pain is your proof of living; you can only become stronger at your age, if you keep moving forward, somehow, even if blind.
    Alas, the words you really need, only you know yourself. And only if you are willing to make them happen. It's a problem when one day filled with motivation, and the next is filled with emptiness.
    Are you the captain of your ship? Or will you be a castaway on a piece of lumber? Reach for what you want. Hang it on a wall, display it proudly; turn it into a source of pride.
    Tell your closest ones/convince them so they might aid in your rise. "Can you help me? I want to achieve this: And I'm willing to do anything to reach it! I'm serious. I don't know if I can do this on my own."

    In the end, there is no right answer to life. Find your own way. Whether you climb the mountain or turn back; the important thing is that you find yourself. Discover how to make the best life you can.

    Other ideas: apprenticeship? These days we are easily secluded, working separately towards our goals; but it does make more sense to work under someone to learn a trade to better your skills. I suppose classes and such take the place of that in some ways, except nothing beats one-on-one training. (Also classes can give an artificial negative work ethic in my experience...)

    Lastly, don't stress. That builds walls to protect yourself, turning what you love into a horror show. Best to live in balance, healthy and with a good amount of regular rest if possible.

    Sorry if this doesn't help lol, at least know I wanted to send good intentions.
    ElecityZer0
    ElecityZer0
    Or, you could, just a suggestion.

    Utilize your resources.
    "Project Ampersand was never finished because I'm incompetent."
    You belong to the CSMC, which has a channel devoted to aiding beginners in TSC.
    There is an art gallery channel on this server where you may publish your artwork and get constructive criticism. You can go to anybody on your friends list, and ask for help.

    Acknowledge your disadvantages and build upon them.
    "
    Someone wanted me to compose the soundtrack for a version of their Cave Story, mod. I've only finished a few tracks, and it takes me way too long."
    Given that you already knew how lazy you are, it might not have been a good idea to accept the task. Maybe try to finish less difficult things.

    "What will likely happen after I'm 18 is that I'll never be able to make that game I want to make a reality, and I'll be stuck spending the rest of my life with a shitty job that I'd only get purely for getting money, and rotting away."
    We realize you lack motivation often. Even the finest of us experience it. However, you can't let that deter you when trying to get something done. Think of this "game" as a passion project. Something that you want to do, but don't have to do. That way it's easier to stay motivated when working on it.

    "So basically, you're telling me I'm stuck being inferior. I'm stuck sucking at everything besides music. That's what you're saying in a nutshell. Thanks for flat out telling me that what I want to achieve is unreachable."

    You won't feel this way if you focus your attention on practicing, learning, and asking for help when you need it.

    Look. I am aware that you feel you think you aren't good enough at your passion. Everyone experiences those times. Consider Pixel. When he first began creating Cave Story, game development wasn't considered a legitimate profession. I'm very sure people attempted to convince him to stop working on the game, which, by all means, is discouraging. Did those people stop him? No way! My point is, to overcome your doubts and strive for excellence.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    @ElecityZer0 I'd like to thank you for knocking some sense into me. Today has been actually somewhat decently productive. I finally got back to studying Japanese, and I've been focusing on Hiragana and Katakana, as well some grammar related things. I've been drawing today a lot today as well. I want to spend the rest of the summer break continuing to be productive. I think the main thing which has screwed with me is school. I'll go into much more detail about that in a direct message on Discord because I don't want people irl I can't trust stumbling upon it.
    If anyone else I can trust wants to read that explanation, I can send you it directly on Discord as well.
    Yesterday, June 9th, my escape from mental torture until August 2nd has began. I am required to have a conference with my teacher on Monday though.
    I'm worthless, and I don't matter in this community.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    Where am I getting them? I was told this, but worded differently, as far back as 2018.
    I was a failure from the start. When I joined this forum, I was an annoying cunt, and I annoyed the hell out of everyone. I was a bitch. I was banned from the modding discord twice due to being a complete dipshit.
    I was still a dipshit until late 2019 where I finally got a couple of brain cells, and stopped. Once I turned 13, people started to treat me like a normal member. I was too scared to say, or do anything in the modding discord for a year, until I joined a voice chat, and everyone was chill. It's been almost four years since I joined this community, and I can still only do music well. And even if I'm skilled with music, my music almost never noticed. It seems as though it's always in favor of someone I won't name. To be honest, I've started becoming jealous of that person. They even get to have the orgestrator role, and I don't.
    There's much more than that, but I don't feel like typing much longer. There are things in my other posts that I haven't mentioned here.
    HaydenStudios
    HaydenStudios
    Maybe you were a troublemaker back then, but that's not you anymore, and that's not the way that the community sees you anymore. I know it's hard, but you've gotta move on from your past failures. This doesn't mean you should forget about it, doesn't mean you shouldn't ever talk about it again, but you need to stop letting it have have any power over you. You're the only one burdening yourself with this, and you're the only one who can set yourself free from it.

    It can be so easy to treat life like a competition and constantly compare yourself to others. On one hand, it can be helpful to see people who are better at certain things than you are, so that you have a standard to strive for and a motivator to get better. But you just can't let yourself turn that into these negative feelings of self-loathing and feeling like you can't do anything good. If you keep telling yourself that you're a failure, it's going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is a very vicious cycle. And it's entirely up to you when that cycle breaks.
    AlmaHexie
    AlmaHexie
    Hey Infinity, that was in the past now, you changed your ways and I'm glad you did, you didn't stagnate unlike some.
    I also did some bad things in the past and I thought for a long time everybody hated and despised me for it, and even though I know some do(Sort of, Ewan is a shithead anyways) I believe and understood that was in the past. You have to move forward to be able to improve.
    I noticed your earlier forum post, what if you try to get around your objectives to achieve them! Like I said before, try doing something else, try a new music software, try finding a new passion etc.
    You'll only stagnate if you believe you can't and or sometimes, it just means you need a break.
    Constant stress that will never end.

    My school requiring everyone to do volunteer work next year which makes it not actually volunteering and more like practical slavery.

    Going to school in general feeling like mental torture.

    Having a mid life crisis at the age of 15.

    Never being successful.

    Sucking at everything besides music.

    This generation.

    I want it all to STOP.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    During an assembly my school had today, I was told that I have to be at the prom for at least an hour, and I don’t have to wear a tuxedo.
    LxLe
    LxLe
    If you don't want to go don't go. They can't keep you from graduating if you don't attend a prom.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    I’m still required to go for at least an hour.
    I hate Gen Z so damn much. They do so much shit that utterly concerns and confuses me. This world feels like it's falling apart My life feels like it's steadily falling apart.
    I hate being a part of Gen Z. I wish I was born at least a decade earlier, or back when things weren't nearly as depressing. If I were born a decade earlier, I would've been able to participate in the Cave Story community/fandom during its prime, I would've been able to experience things I wish I was able to experience. And to be honest, I feel a strange connection with the late 90's to early 2010's. Almost as if I belonged. Almost as if I lived a previous life during then, but I lost that life, and now I'm stuck in this life, as part of Gen Z, where there's a pandemic that has practically become an endemic on steroids, and other things I won't mention. It could explain why I get this feeling of nostalgia, and de ja vu for many things that are pre-2013 with some exceptions from 2013 - 2016. Of course, I don't actually believe any of that. Who do you think I am, Chris Chan?
    But, feelings of nostalgia, and de ja vu for many things that are pre-2013 with some exceptions from 2013 - 2016 is something I actually do experience.

    But yeah, Gen Z sucks.
    Tpcool
    Tpcool
    It was a long time ago, so it's hard to recall anything specific, but I suppose the general sense that most people my age seemed unintelligent, or maybe like bad people.
    AlmaHexie
    AlmaHexie
    This isn't a copypasta, and I'm not a "hipster". I don't know how you came to those conclusions.
    ........................OOOOOH

    Yeah I hate gen Z too, as much as you got your cool folks, we are also raising a generation of narcissistic that will swim in their cesspool of bullcrap to reveal how incredibly different and new they are.

    But, it's very cool we are pushing the norm of society so we are less tight about our lives, there are still some positive and history will remember the impactful stuff only, as much as you got your weirdos that say sex work is a symbol of freedom to womans and other weirder stuff.
    This generation can make a lot of great things but good intentions can lead to disastrous events.
    Fatih
    Fatih
    ngl bro i feel like the actually important things will end up being forgotten
    I'm kind of panicking right now.
    There's this mod that I want to make for the modfest going on right now, but the person making the sprites has been having issues with his internet.
    I know I said I was going to become better at drawing, and I have been practicing a bit. But I only have three days left to finish this mod, so I need someone who is actually good at drawing for this. It's either this mod is finished before May 3rd, or it'll never be finished.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    It's already hopeless. Tomorrow is the deadline. There's no way I can finish it now.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    Even if the deadline was delayed, I still don't have enough time to finish it, unless I rush it to a very extreme extent.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    Just as I predicted.
    Got a desktop today.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    I forgot the exact specs, and I don't feel like going to the garage to check the box, but I'm pretty sure it has an AMD Ryzen, and Geforce thing in it.
    I haven't actually been able to use the desktop since Sunday, because the monitor has stopped working for some reason. We're gonna get the monitor exchanged tomorrow. If another monitor doesn't work, we'll have to wait until May 13th to get someone to come to our house, and fix the issue, and I really don't feel like waiting that long. I just got this desktop, and I want to actually use it.
    HaydenStudios
    HaydenStudios
    Oof, that's frustrating.
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    I exchanged that PC for another one, and the problem has been fixed.
    I apologize for the post from yesterday.
    I wasn't thinking straight, and something happened that caused me to become extremely upset.
    I will be honest though, I'm sick of being in projects that become abandoned or cancelled.
    AlmaHexie
    AlmaHexie
    I didn't see it.

    Well, I can understand the mood, it's a bit hard to strive for in your projects when your motivation is at it's lowest, sometime the best thing to do is to take a break but that also can't be enough.
    What I'd suggest you do however is try something new, writing, learning a language or anything else! Just find a new hobby to get your mind off of things.
    I was wondering, why did you add the Beta greek letter in Infinity, is it to not be mistaken or something?
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    When I thought of the name, I thought "Infinity" and then randomly thought of the "β" letter, so I combined them, and made "Infinityβ".
    After a while of thinking, I think it would be best if I put Project Ampersand on an indefinite hold.
    I'm doing this because my current conditions make it difficult for progress to be made.
    I'm not very good with TSC. I'm only passable at making maps. I have to rely on someone else to edit the source code. I have to rely on other people to create artwork/sprites because I can't draw, and the artists are never able to finish anything for the mod. And the only thing I'm actually really good at is music.
    For so long, I really didn't want to put Project Ampersand on hold because I wanted people to have hope for it, and I didn't want it to end up like other abandoned/cancelled mods. Now I've realized that I should, given the conditions I stated.
    While Project Ampersand is on hold, I will participate in modfests more often, and use the mods I make during those modfests as practice.
    I will try to practice drawing, as well as maybe learning how to use a game engine like Unity or Godot or something. I'll also put more time into learning Japanese, but I don't know if that's really on topic.
    I've been procrastinating for so long, and I have only three years left until I'm an adult. I need to become more skilled at these things, so I can be successful in doing the things I want to do, and to quell the pain of this mid life crisis.
    Along side that, starting today, I will no longer be known as Extra Life. Starting today, I will now be known as...



    Infinityβ
    ColdCallerLoopy
    ColdCallerLoopy
    Hey Infinity, go for what makes you happy; and I like the name change, it's cool. Can't wait to see what comes out of your work.
    Orbit
    Orbit
    It shows a lot a strength to walk away from a passion project to work on yourself. For whatever project you take on in the future, whether it's for CS or not, I trust you'll make something great. "To Infinity and βeyond" but that joke was already made.
    Cibryll
    Cibryll
    ∞β?

    But yeah, practice makes perfect!
    The others already said what I would've liked to say. =P
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