The Community-driven Cave Story Fanfic

Quote and Curly enter the scene.

 

You brush this off at first, thinking that it must be your conscious warning you against cooking the postman's body and eating it, but you're hungry so you decide to eating is important. After this, you call up one of your co-workers, even though you hate him, because you're so lonely now.

 

You see Quote give you a baby. Without thinking, you cook and eat it.

 

You then regret doing so, because you only realised after the fact, that you could have kept the baby hostage in order to make Quote feel despair over losing his only son.

 

Well, shit just got real. Might as well post this.
*deep inhale*
You enter below the door-less archway into a sunken chamber of stone. The walls stand 20 feet tall meeting at a domed ceiling supported by gleaming silver pillars. The walls are carved with images of men and women in gleaming armor wielding the elements to battle dark shapes descending from the sky. Hovering high in the air is a huge rotating hourglass with sand of blood red slowly trickling downward into the basin. You hear the sound of singing, in voices of anguish. What do you do?

 

Quote begins to do the Moskau kick-dance, kicking the hourglass while doing so.

 

A $2,550 surcharge has been added to your bill. Reason: destruction of property. Have a nice day.

 

You then do what any sane rational person would do: fake your own death to avoid paying the bill. If all goes well, they'll have completely forgotten this whole incident.

 

Unfortunately, you had pulled the same trick last year and the IRS is catching on to your bullshit. Wat do?

 

You realise that the IRS has caught on to your trick. It's a shame, really, because it got you out of paying Child Support to Misery 5 years ago. Now you get out of the basement, filled with things you stole from a museum in Italy and realise you've got to clean up the house because it smells like cooked flesh.

 

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, you're playing Borderlands 2, and you just got the Bane. You (or rather, your player character) were warned that the weapon was supposedly cursed. You check the Bane's stats, which are actually pretty good. It's got an elemental effect, which automatically makes it better than most of your weapons. Damage, fire rate, reload speed, accuracy, ammo capacity—all of those stats are pretty decent. It's apparently a sub-machine gun manufactured by Hyperion, so it's got that "negative recoil" gimmick going on for it. Ignoring any and all superstitious claims made toward this weapon, you equip it as your primary weapon. You immediately notice that your movement speed has been reduced to a crawl. You switch to one of your secondary weapons and notice that you can now move at normal speed. You switch back to the Bane, and your speed is reduced. Not only that, you hear a rather annoying voice yell "SWAPPIN' WEAPONS!"
Great, you think to yourself. A speed penalty, coupled with an annoying voice module. Just what I needed.
You switch back to your secondary weapon, head to the nearest fast-travel station, and fast-travel to an area loosely populated with weak enemies to test out the Bane, which is already proving to be rather impractical, what with the speed penalty. You come across a group of bandits.
Perfect, you think to yourself. You equip the Bane.
And then you fire it.
As the weapon's voice module assaults your ears, you can't help but burst into laughter. You kill off all of the bandits in the area, try to take their loot, and then remember the speed penalty associated with the Bane and switch to a secondary weapon. As you loot the area, you can't help but have this one thought:
This gun just made my fuckin' day.

Spoiler: (somewhat) OFF-TOPIC

Here's a link to a YouTube video demonstrating the Bane in all it's glory.

 

In another parallel universe, you've realised that your Cave Story save data is stuck in a bad state. You could delete the save data, but the idea of starting all over again doesn't appeal. Whatever will you do?

 

download a game trainer

 

You download the game trainer. Existential panic sets in. What now?

 

Spoiler: off topic but please read

please only post one sentence

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, you're playing Borderlands 2, and you just got the Bane. You (or rather, your player character) were warned that the weapon was supposedly cursed. You check the Bane's stats, which are actually pretty good. It's got an elemental effect, which automatically makes it better than most of your weapons. Damage, fire rate, reload speed, accuracy, ammo capacity—all of those stats are pretty decent. It's apparently a sub-machine gun manufactured by Hyperion, so it's got that "negative recoil" gimmick going on for it. Ignoring any and all superstitious claims made toward this weapon, you equip it as your primary weapon. You immediately notice that your movement speed has been reduced to a crawl. You switch to one of your secondary weapons and notice that you can now move at normal speed. You switch back to the Bane, and your speed is reduced. Not only that, you hear a rather annoying voice yell "SWAPPIN' WEAPONS!"
Great, you think to yourself. A speed penalty, coupled with an annoying voice module. Just what I needed.
You switch back to your secondary weapon, head to the nearest fast-travel station, and fast-travel to an area loosely populated with weak enemies to test out the Bane, which is already proving to be rather impractical, what with the speed penalty. You come across a group of bandits.
Perfect, you think to yourself. You equip the Bane.
And then you fire it.
As the weapon's voice module assaults your ears, you can't help but burst into laughter. You kill off all of the bandits in the area, try to take their loot, and then remember the speed penalty associated with the Bane and switch to a secondary weapon. As you loot the area, you can't help but have this one thought:
This gun just made my fuckin' day.

Spoiler: (somewhat) OFF-TOPIC

Here's a link to a YouTube video demonstrating the Bane in all it's glory.

Conveniently, you find a Time-Turner.

 

You realise the potential of this device and laugh gleefully. It was time to put this device to good use...

 

when you try to use it, however, it explodes and now you're stuck with constant deja-vu.

 

If only you brought a Cyanide pill to break the cycle, but alas it wasn't to be...

 

Thankfully, you still have a Fake Death Pill left. Just let it work it's magic, and...

TIME PARADOX