What happened to Dave?

Meet Dave Driscoll. Dave is the unluckiest guy on the Earth. His father died from a heart attack while playing Peek-a-Boo with him. His mother died when she was driving him to school. His cat choked on his canary. In fact, the number of his unlucky experiences is so big, one man cannot possibly list them all. Please help complete this list.

 

Dave died painfully thousands of times and was resurrected each time in the most soul-warping way possible until his mind slowly reached the point of insanity, driving him to suicide and further resurrections until his mind became an empty, yet unstable shell which was eventually used to house the consciousness of Walt Disney who started to expose children to gay porn at the age of 3 due to Dave's residual insanity.

...

Did I go too far?

 

Uh... just a little bit. We want to have Dave alive and not completely insane at the end of every example.

Oh, and by the way, Dave bought a ticket to Michael Jackson's comeback concert.

 

This post is probably a bit overboard, but not as overboard as jacob. don't eat me.

dave got preggers at the age of four.
then his son raped him.


dave also had apet monkey who he taught how to speak spanish. after doing so, he realized that he didn't speak spanish, and before he could learn it, his monkey was dismembered by the bloods and the krips and the kkk. which really stunk for dave.

 

Dave joined the KKK to get his revenge.
He became the Leader of his local town group.

 

Dave's car fell down the drain.

 

in an attempt to pull the car out out of the drain, his hand was bitten by mole people.

 

He got infected with 6 sorts of AIDS. They mutated.
Now he has Super AIDS.

 

He has recieved 9 consecutive Darwin Awards.

 

Dave's glasses once exploded in his eyes. The glass is now trapped under his eyelids causing constant pain

 

He lost his two thumbs while milking a cow.

 

He died.

 

Uh... just a little bit. We want to have Dave alive and not completely insane at the end of every example.

fail.

 

and then he came back to life.

5 seconds later, a plane crashed on him and he went into a coma.

 

during his coma, dave suffered brain damage and changed his name to Orvis Lilac Orvisen.
when his brain healed, he realized he had made the change irrevocable.

and his next door neighbors are kage, jacob, whyme, and sp.

 

Dave suffers elephantiasis on his testicles.

Dave had accidentally bought a lobster dinner dinner for his date. She's lethally allergic to shellfish. She didn't know she was alergic before it was too late.

Dave ran over his new pet dog as he pulled out of his drive way for work last Thrusday.

Dave learned his aunt choked his older brother, Steven when he was 7 years old, killing him. This is why Dave cannot get rid of the image of a boy being choked by his aunt from his dreams.

Dave set his wallet down for one second to look for a fuse in his pocket for his car which was having electrical issues. When he looked back up, he found his wallet was stolen.

Dave had to wait at the DMV for a license renewal for 8 hours. When he went to the bathroom for a minute, he came back to find the DMV was closed for the day. This was his only day off in the week.

Dave now has athletes foot from wearing his nylon socks from work.

And lastly, Dave's car broke down entirely on the way home from work last Wednesday. As he walked home, he stepped in TWO piles of dog shit. He was wearing Italian leather shoes which cost him $139 dollars.

 

Starcraft references ho!

Dave's house is built on top of an active Vespene Geyser. Apart from the Zerg, Protoss and Terran forces perpetually trying to destroy his house to claim the geyser, he can't cook any food at home or risk leveling his home. (It happens monthly.) Due to the frequency of his Vespene-related home destructions, his insurance rates are sky-high and his home isn't worth the plywood and timber it's built from. The timbers themselves are made of balsa wood, making his already precarious living situation more so; plus he is allergic to balsa wood, and has severe issues with a perpetual rash from several tiny fragments of wood lodged in his subdermis from the many explosions that have leveled his home. In addition, the ground it's built on is haunted by the ghosts of several hundred Marines, Zealots and Zerglings that have died trying to claim the geyser.

 

Dave recieved massive head injuries when he played the villain in the new home alone movie

 

After which Dave ran away again.

 

Dave was forced to listen to RHF.

Dave tried to shoot himself in head. He survived it, but was charged for killing his neighbor.

Dave had his head shrunk by an African tribe's shaman.