MLP:FIM Role play

Noxid thinks that darkeye is boring. Who even uses magic missile these days?
Noxid then proceeds to look at himself in a mirror. It turns him on.

 

Carl finds it strange that a pony with no name or personality has joined the party. If he really cared about the matter, he would point out that Fang doesn't have a character sheet.
But he doesn't care. He starts on his second-to-last Coors.

My Picture is my Profile sheetOh btw*while fang was flying around he stopped Greynboy dash*

 

NEWCOMBER

Name:BlazeFleur
Race: EARTH PONI
Gender: THEY ARE TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT IT IS A DIFFICULT TIME IN THEIR LIFE OK
Age Group:Mare
Occupation: Farmer
Personality: OUTGOING AND HAPPY, MELLOW, A REALLY CHILL BRO TO BRO WITH BRO

 

Darkeye is extremely bored. He melts out of his ice, and proceeds to kill everypony, other than Carl, who he doesn't give enough of a fuck about to kill.

Well, that's it ladies and gentlemen, thread's over.

Rick Steves calls Darkeye a fucklord, he doesn't see any dead ponies.

 

Carl appreciates being left alive. He uses the single fuck he gives to ressurect everyone.

 

My Picture is my Profile sheetOh btw*while fang was flying around he stopped Greynboy dash*

Greynbow Dash tells you to leave her alone and flies away real slowly and droopily like


Also guys check this shizzle

 

*Fang leaves and goes to his house to do some shit for ApuaBolt*

 

Greynbow Dash?
Will you make love to me?

You're so solemnly beautiful.
And me, I'm just beautifully beautiful.
You can pet my beard :]

 

"Well shit," Carl thinks to himself. "This sure has been a fun-filled magical adventure. Nothing rustles my jimmies like a day full of nothing." Carl takes one last swig from his can. The last can in the pack. He's hardly even buzzed, and checking his fridge, Carl sees that his condition isn't going to improve, as that was the last can in his house.
This is one thing that Carl does indeed care about. Being 100% sober is not a concept that appeals to him.
He crumples up the empty Coors can and tosses at the trash. It misses. He'll get it later. Carl rises out of his chair, stretching his legs, then heads down his porch stairs. Good thing it isn't a long walk to the store. Not that he would care if it was.
It is on his trip to the liquor store, on a dusty rural road, that Carl meets the pony that will change his life forever.

 

*cue Lace*

 

Noxid, preoccupied with his proposal (not unreasonable, he thought) to Greynbow Dash, decided to gallop down to his old whorestash to ease the mounting tension.
She is a fine mare, he thought, and then was cut off by an unfortunate smushing of his face into the flank of a far, far more enticing individual (than GD).

"Hello!" Noxid squeaked.
"..." The fine specimen returned.
"Hello, I mean", Noxid reiterated, his voice now low and gravelly. Smoky. Dead sexy.

The splendorous otherpony sauntered away, murmuring about beer.
And softly, to himself, Noxid began to weep.

 

Greynbow Dash, completely oblivious to Noxid's proposal, lazily floats over to a storm cloud and curls up. "If only I could sleep forever" she thought to herself.

 

Suddenly, from out of the sky, a whirling torrent of fire and hearts descends with thunderous impact in front of the Carl, Greynbow Dash and Noxid. As the dust settles, Heartglass butterscales steps forward from the crater. The other ponies stand in shock, eyes wide and mouths agape at the sudden intrusion on an otherwise unremarkable afternoon.

"GREETINGS MORTAL PONIES" Heartglass booms with a echoing and metallic voice. "I HAVE SENSED YOUR NEEDS AND HAVE COME TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER YOU CANNOT REFUSE". An unsettling silence falls as the others are hesitant to answer this beast's unsettling proposal.

Carl is the first to step forward. "Yeah, okay, that's great and all, but I don't really care. I'm just going to the liquor store to-"

"HEARTGLASS KNOWS. YOU AND THE OTHERS WILL COME WITH ME ON A QUEST TO RETREIVE THE LEGENDARY PILSNER OF HEINDUNKLE, BREWED BY BLIND GERMAN MONKS DEEP BENEATH THE SURFACE OF AUSTRIA."

"God, can you stop shouting already? I don't give a fuck about some magical german cave beer, I just need more Coors." Carl's reply is curt and full of disdain. What the hell is this guy's problem, he wonders.

"Certainly.." Heartglass switches to a smooth female voice without missing a beat. "However, I foresaw this and took the liberty of leveling every liquor distribution center and outlet within 40 miles. It will be several weeks, if not months, before there is coors, or any form of alcohol to be found anywhere near here." Heartglass saunters idly up to Carl, her four pupils burning with cold fire. "So, you don't really have a choice."

"Fucking great." Carl mutters with all the joy of a thousand Chinese rail workers. The thought of going on some half-assed adventure with a psychotic probably-robot pony was about as appealing as flossing with barbed wire, but going for a month without booze was a whole other level of misery. "And just how am I supposed to get to germany or australia or wherever the hell it is you're trying to drag me? I don't exactly have wings if you haven't noticed."

"I have more than enough strength to carry all of you." Heartscale replies coolly. The plurality of that statement does not sit well with Carl.

"Wait, all? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Five are required to overcome the challenges that await. the other two here shall accompany us, however, a fifth is needed.."

 

"Well listen, Hardglass or whoever you are, I haven't met the other two ponies you claim to—"

"They're right there."

Carl twists his head around. The dumbass pony that had bumped into him was only about 20 feet away, giving Carl the impression he'd been followed. That only accounted for one other pony, though.

"Well unless his beard's got a separate personality, I—"

A whoosh and a clop from beside Carl makes him swing his head the other way. There slouches a grey pegasus, her head sagging, looking like she cares about her surroundings even less than Carl. An impressive feat. Carl reminds himself that being impressed requires way more effort than he cares to exert.

"Alright, Hardass. You can fly over here and randomly pick three shmucks to go find some beer with you—"

"The Legendary Pilsner of Heindunkle."

"Yeah that's fuckin' great. I don't think any of us want to. Especially since you're an asshole that just destroyed the local alcohol market. By the way, thanks for letting me finish a damn sentence."

"I'll do whatever. It doesn't matter where my body is, my soul is already in Hell..." The grey pegasus is really outshining Carl in the "giving a shit" department. Was this Heartless chick really getting to him?

"Of course I'll help you on your noble quest, milady!" pipes up Bearded Fuckface.

"Wow, he thinks he's a knight in shining armour but he can't be bothered to say 'sorry'?" Carl thinks. By now, the bearded pony had trotted up to where Greytits and Carl stood and was clearly trying to catch Grey's attention with his heroics, but she doesn't seem interested in anything but her own misery.

"Alright fine." Carl growls. "You're all pissing me off and I could really use a cold one. Now, why can't you go fly off and find one other ass to complete your team of pinheads? Although I'm sure they wouldn't want to come either, unless you plucked them from the cold grasp of an evil, soul-devouring machine or something."

"Very well, irritable one. Where is the nearest Starbucks?"

 

As Darkeye drinks his Venti Soy Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte (light on the cream), ordered specifically to infuriate the workers, he "overhears" a conversation about the Legendary Pilsner of Heindunkle.
"Hmm, it sounds as if they already know its location... I had believed it to be a myth, but after hearing this..."
After a considerable amount of consideration, Darkeye comes up with a reason to take the beer for himself.
"Ah, that would be an excellent use for this legendary beer. Give everypony with a minimum wage job an incurable hangover, causing them to lose their jobs, and making their families starve! Yes, that gives me a good enough reason to find this beer. They can't have gone far, I think I'll go see if those ponies really DO know its location..."
Darkeye begins to laugh to himself, a dark, slow, low laugh, full of contempt.

 

Nick gnaws on his magic cookie and laughs at the RPer's

He later uses teleportation to go to somewhere more fun.
As he exits, he casts hurricane and blows away all of the impostors

 

...

Carl, Minimum Wage, Noxid and Greynbow Dash speed across the atlantic in a large brown sling suspended between Heartglass's neck and fishhook tail, completely oblivious to the laws of physics. For the most part the trip had been quiet, since none of the ponies actually knew each other and either wouldn't or couldn't be assed to strike up a conversation.

Carl lay in front, straddling one of the straps between his forelegs and giving approximatly zero fucks about the whole situation. Minimum wage clung to the side, struck by the realization that being dragged at half the speed of sound in a burlap sack is not nearly as pleasant as flying under one's own power. Greynbow dash remained slumped against the fabric on the opposite side, muttering to herself while Noxid leaned against the back, quietly staring upwards.

20 minutes in, and the entire world is a vast expanse of blue stretching as far as the eye can see. As though waking from a stupor, Noxid suddenly looks around for the first time since the flight began. "Oh my god.. this is the perfect opportunity", Noxid thinks to himself. Three smoking hot ponies and some strange beast with a terrifying amount of genitals. It's time to put everything he has learned to use.

Noxid turns to the grey goddess beside him. Laying on his best Clint Eastwood voice, he makes his move. "Hey baby, did someone put blinders on me? because all I see is you."

Greynbow Dash turns listlessly towards him, and simply replies "no..... *sigh*, it'd be nice to have blinders that could block out the world...." and then returns to her intense focus on absolutely nothing.

Noxid is crushed. That line was Golden, and coupled with the Clint Eastwood voice, there's no way it could have failed. Clint Eastwood is sexy, right? Blocked yet again, he turns his attention to the magnificent stud he bumped into on the road. Maybe he just needs to turn up the Clint Factor.

"Hey there." Noxid opens casually.

"What." the response is is short and sharp, like a very small knife. Now that contact has been established, time for the heavy hitter...

“You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?” Dirty Harry was the only Clint Eastwood movie Noxid had really watched, but he was sure this line was flawless.

Carl turned to face Noxid and delivered a stare so cold it would freeze water, or turn ice into even colder ice. Noxid shuddered. Not exactly the reaction he was looking for. The direct approach clearly wasn't working.

"Uhh.. I mean.. what's.... your name?" Any trace of sexyness was gone from his voice, reduced to airy sqeaking. "I mean uh, we're on this adventure together, and we don't even know each other's names. Maybe we could take turns.. introducing ourselves..?"

 

"Does this look like kindergarten to you?"

"Y... no...?"

"You seem confused. Let me help you out: it's not. We're being abducted by some horrific cyborg asshole and crammed into a god damn sack. The only similarity this situation has with elementary school is that I can't get any booze."

Instead of being thankful for having this pointed out to him, Fuzz-face looks positively beaten. It's like he would run away and cry if there was anywhere to go. Carl wonders just what the hell his deal is, and turns away to let him snivel if he needs to. Beardy regains his composure though, and with new confidence says, "My name is Noxid and I would very much like to become acquainted with such a fine stallion."

Carl is pretty sure Noxid tried to fake a Spanish accent for that. This guy is ridiculous.

Carl turns back around to see Noxid's crimson hoof extended towards him. He tries the ice-cold stare again, but just can't be assed to keep fending this guy off. Giving in, Carl gives it a weary shake. "I'm Carl Blackclops. Please find someone else to bother." He's starting to feel pretty damn sober, and he's sure things are only going to get worse from there.

 

Greynbow Dash, of course, would have no part of this conversation. While the lush and the (wo)manizer become merrily acquainted, she closes her eyes and rests her head against the rough burlap sack. Soon enough, everyone around her is tuned out. All that's left is herself and her mind. Now she can easily wallow in her misery with no interruption from the others.

How did I ever get dragged into this nonsense?

How on earth did I even get here in the first place?

Whatever this ridiculous mission is, I am of no use to them.

I never had any use in the first place.

And I never will.

I want to be alone.

Forever.

I'm used to it by now. And you know what? I enjoy it.

You know what I don't enjoy? Being around these ponies.

And I'm sure they won't enjoy being around me either.

Except for that red pony trying to hit on me. He probably just felt bad for me.

I'm hideous.

I'm grey.

All the other ponies are so colorful. Rainbow dash...She's colorful. But she doesn't even know I exist.

Even if she did, it's not like she would even care about me.

Hell, even that monstrosity carrying us is more beautiful than me.

I wish I could just jump out of this damn sack. No loss for the others. They don't need me.

Where are my pills?

Am I out of them?

Dear Celestia I had better not be out of them.

Of course the thought of this possibility jolted her out of her true monologue of self pity. But so did that damn scratching of that red one's beard. Along with that weird, somewhat familiar stonk that suddenly assailed her nostrils. Wait..is that...? No, it couldn't be....

 

[00:39] <sexpy> http://i44.tinypic.com/4q3o1f.png
[00:39] <@cultr1> no
[00:39] <sexpy> TODAY WAS A SAD DAY FOR BLAZEFLEUR
[00:39] <@cultr1> shhh
[00:40] <WD-40> sexpy
[00:40] <sexpy> the gov. came
[00:40] <@cultr1> we're trying to play games
[00:40] <WD-40> ;_;
[00:40] <WD-40> i shed a tear
[00:40] <sexpy> and burned his crops
[00:40] <WD-40> at your art
[00:40] <Dunc2403> Yessssss boost ball
[00:40] <sexpy> he was very sad
[00:40] <+Malpercio> Dunc2403: what play?
[00:40] <@cultr1> ugh nvm
[00:40] <sexpy> he had no way to make money
[00:40] <+Malpercio> also hm why wouldn't it be able to connect
[00:40] <Dunc2403> Metroid prime
[00:40] <sexpy> so he decided that he would make the government PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES
[00:41] <sexpy> he renamed himself two
[00:41] <@cultr1> I dunno
[00:41] <+Malpercio> sure your browser's not trying to http://www.<ip>.com and be a retard?
[00:41] <@cultr1> yeah
[00:41] <sexpy> from now on his name will be
[00:41] <@cultr1> maybe try using... IE
[00:41] <sexpy> blazefleur: freedom fighter
[00:41] <sexpy> or bfff for short