Sep 14, 2015 at 2:52 AM
Join Date: Aug 16, 2014
Location: no
Posts: 848
Age: 23
Pronouns: he/him
Depression is many things for many people. A mental problem. An act. Something to pity. Everyday life. This is what it is for me.
It's the feeling of knowing that you absolutley suck. Lazy. Wimpy. Unsuccesful. Bull Headed. Aggressive. Yeah, all that stuff. It's also knowing that no matter what, it won't change. Only hide, to be dug back up again. Medicine? Temporary solution. Once your off that, back to sad land. Theropy? It helps some, really. It's good. Try that if your really feeling bad. Sometimes it just doesn't work though. Sometimes, it's burned into your brain, a canyon, continuosly being cut into by a river of repeated reminders of what you really are, good feelings being swept due to the psychological erosion of your sentimentl sediments. People, loved ones sometimes, reminding you that you are whatever bad thing you are. But they are wrong. You want to help people. You want to make it so people have what you have. People think you are greedy, manipulative, putting up an act, spoiled, yet you want nothing more than to give it all to someone else, to give your food to someone else, to relieve your loved ones of having to deal with a depressed person, and have someone who can actualy be happy. But you know it will never happen. You know that you are in fact greedy, manipulative, and spoiled. You can't handle getting messy, being yelled at by a person, flinch at everyone because you think you are always doing something wrong. Everybody always says it, it's true but also not. You just don't know. You just want to not have to deal with it. The false accusations. The true accusations. Being yelled at, and cared for. You just want it to end. Sometimes you convince yourself that you must die. So you do. But the more painful path happens when you just can't. You feel to afraid. You give up. You know people would miss you, you would cause pain. They care. They actualy care. But you don't want them to be hurt. You want them to not care, so you can be selfish and not at the same time, and end. You make them dislike you. You become disrespectful. You push their buttons, start to show the more greedy side of you, and keep the selflessness hidden inside. You get to the point where you've lied and decieved to the point where they wouldn't believe you if you said you where depressed. They'd think it would be another act. They remind you all the time how bad you are, and that just widens the crack of sadness. They also tell you how they still love you, though. Every time you feel like the end will finaly come, they forgive you. They don't give in. If only the cyclistic hell would stop, yet it doesn't. And there is no way out. You have reached rock bottom, where you can only doubt every single thought you have. This is, what I feel, the worst depression one can have. This is where I am. This is me.
It's the feeling of knowing that you absolutley suck. Lazy. Wimpy. Unsuccesful. Bull Headed. Aggressive. Yeah, all that stuff. It's also knowing that no matter what, it won't change. Only hide, to be dug back up again. Medicine? Temporary solution. Once your off that, back to sad land. Theropy? It helps some, really. It's good. Try that if your really feeling bad. Sometimes it just doesn't work though. Sometimes, it's burned into your brain, a canyon, continuosly being cut into by a river of repeated reminders of what you really are, good feelings being swept due to the psychological erosion of your sentimentl sediments. People, loved ones sometimes, reminding you that you are whatever bad thing you are. But they are wrong. You want to help people. You want to make it so people have what you have. People think you are greedy, manipulative, putting up an act, spoiled, yet you want nothing more than to give it all to someone else, to give your food to someone else, to relieve your loved ones of having to deal with a depressed person, and have someone who can actualy be happy. But you know it will never happen. You know that you are in fact greedy, manipulative, and spoiled. You can't handle getting messy, being yelled at by a person, flinch at everyone because you think you are always doing something wrong. Everybody always says it, it's true but also not. You just don't know. You just want to not have to deal with it. The false accusations. The true accusations. Being yelled at, and cared for. You just want it to end. Sometimes you convince yourself that you must die. So you do. But the more painful path happens when you just can't. You feel to afraid. You give up. You know people would miss you, you would cause pain. They care. They actualy care. But you don't want them to be hurt. You want them to not care, so you can be selfish and not at the same time, and end. You make them dislike you. You become disrespectful. You push their buttons, start to show the more greedy side of you, and keep the selflessness hidden inside. You get to the point where you've lied and decieved to the point where they wouldn't believe you if you said you where depressed. They'd think it would be another act. They remind you all the time how bad you are, and that just widens the crack of sadness. They also tell you how they still love you, though. Every time you feel like the end will finaly come, they forgive you. They don't give in. If only the cyclistic hell would stop, yet it doesn't. And there is no way out. You have reached rock bottom, where you can only doubt every single thought you have. This is, what I feel, the worst depression one can have. This is where I am. This is me.