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Infinityβ

Infinityβ

Senior Member 18 From United States
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  • Infinityβ
    I apologize for the post from yesterday.
    I wasn't thinking straight, and something happened that caused me to become extremely upset.
    I will be honest though, I'm sick of being in projects that become abandoned or cancelled.
    AlmaHexie
    AlmaHexie
    I didn't see it.

    Well, I can understand the mood, it's a bit hard to strive for in your projects when your motivation is at it's lowest, sometime the best thing to do is to take a break but that also can't be enough.
    What I'd suggest you do however is try something new, writing, learning a language or anything else! Just find a new hobby to get your mind off of things.
    AlmaHexie
    I was wondering, why did you add the Beta greek letter in Infinity, is it to not be mistaken or something?
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    When I thought of the name, I thought "Infinity" and then randomly thought of the "β" letter, so I combined them, and made "Infinityβ".
    Infinityβ
    After a while of thinking, I think it would be best if I put Project Ampersand on an indefinite hold.
    I'm doing this because my current conditions make it difficult for progress to be made.
    I'm not very good with TSC. I'm only passable at making maps. I have to rely on someone else to edit the source code. I have to rely on other people to create artwork/sprites because I can't draw, and the artists are never able to finish anything for the mod. And the only thing I'm actually really good at is music.
    For so long, I really didn't want to put Project Ampersand on hold because I wanted people to have hope for it, and I didn't want it to end up like other abandoned/cancelled mods. Now I've realized that I should, given the conditions I stated.
    While Project Ampersand is on hold, I will participate in modfests more often, and use the mods I make during those modfests as practice.
    I will try to practice drawing, as well as maybe learning how to use a game engine like Unity or Godot or something. I'll also put more time into learning Japanese, but I don't know if that's really on topic.
    I've been procrastinating for so long, and I have only three years left until I'm an adult. I need to become more skilled at these things, so I can be successful in doing the things I want to do, and to quell the pain of this mid life crisis.
    Along side that, starting today, I will no longer be known as Extra Life. Starting today, I will now be known as...



    Infinityβ
    View previous comments…
    ColdCallerLoopy
    ColdCallerLoopy
    Hey Infinity, go for what makes you happy; and I like the name change, it's cool. Can't wait to see what comes out of your work.
    Orbit
    Orbit
    It shows a lot a strength to walk away from a passion project to work on yourself. For whatever project you take on in the future, whether it's for CS or not, I trust you'll make something great. "To Infinity and βeyond" but that joke was already made.
    Cibryll
    Cibryll
    ∞β?

    But yeah, practice makes perfect!
    The others already said what I would've liked to say. =P
    Infinityβ
    Imagine making a Cave Story mod, but you can't make sprites without them looking like complete shit, having a sprite artist that's too busy to make sprites for your mod most of the time, then try to ask a discord server with some people who are also good at sprites if anyone can cover for the other one, only to be fucking ignored.
    View previous comments…
    2DBro
    2DBro
    settle for what you can make on your own before you go relying on other people for help
    Elipsis
    Elipsis
    either learn how to do it yourself or find someone willing to do a trade in exchange for something you're good at - you were ignored because random people generally aren't going to want to work for you on top of their own creative projects/life without some kind of compensation.
    Hina
    Hina
    oh no, i'm no good at sprites, sorry to disappoint
    Infinityβ
    My birthday is later this month, and it'll be three years until I'm an adult.
    I feel like I'm having an existential crisis.
    I still suck at most things, and the only thing I'm good at is music, more specifically chiptune.
    I'm going to have to force myself to get off my ass in order to have even a slight chance of being successful when I'm an adult.
    But it's not like it's gonna change the fact that I'll probably be even more miserable by then because I'll have to deal with taxes, having a job that I most definitely won't enjoy just so I can get money , bills, not being homeless, and many other things that will leave me with little to no time to do anything I want to do.
    It's only going to get worse from here on out, so I'll need to try to get better at shit with the little time I have left.
    View previous comments…
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    I don't know if the career classes at my school are even the same as the ones you're thinking of because my school is different than most.
    It's a private special education school made specifically for people on the autism spectrum.
    Nonetheless, it's still overwhelming.
    The expectation I feel like their putting on me is that when I'm an adult, I'll get an average job somewhere with resumes and all, with average work hours, maybe part time.
    However, I want to do something different to make money. Something that I'd actually enjoy.
    I'm thinking about maybe doing music commissions since that's something I'm good at, digital chiptune music at least.
    But the thing I want to do when I'm an adult is be an indie game developer.
    I've had an idea for a Cave Story inspired indie game since 2018, and it's continued to take shape within my mind.
    I want to have time to make that game, as well as work on it at my own pace, and having complete freedom, which is why I want to be indie.
    The main reason I need to get better at a lot of the things I mentioned in a previous profile post, is to make that game.
    I need to make sure it's good. If it sucks, It's over.
    If games I made before that game suck, then it wouldn't be as bad, but this game needs to be good.
    If people are really enjoying the game, that's what I consider success.
    I don't really care about it becoming Undertale levels of popular, and I don't expect it to.
    What I consider success is if the majority of people who do end up playing it enjoy it.
    It's my dream, I daydream about this game everyday.
    Another thing I fear as that I won't be able to make/complete it on top of it ending up sucking.
    Now, I'm not going to reveal anything about this game until years from now, until enough of the game has been developed.
    I need become more skilled first.
    But I swear, when I make this game, I'll do whatever it takes to make this game the best it possibly can be.
    HaydenStudios
    HaydenStudios
    Yeah, being an indie developer isn't for the faint of heart, and in most cases requires having another job on the side until you're ready to release the game. That's a rough transition for sure. But don't kill yourself over it, you've got time. And it sounds like you're already thinking up creative ways to make money on the side, that's more than what can be said for a lot of people your age.
    Aar
    Aar
    i turn 22 in a month and i still don't know what i'm doing lol
    Infinityβ
    I hope 2022 isn't shit.
    ̶A̶s̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶a̶n̶d̶e̶m̶i̶c̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶a̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶,̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶s̶t̶ ̶k̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶s̶h̶i̶t̶t̶y̶
    Pummelator
    Pummelator
    True on both counts. Happy new year!
    Infinityβ
    View previous comments…
    EnlightenedOne
    EnlightenedOne
    Don't know how good this long self-indulgent perspective will do but, you remind me of myself. The overbearing feeling that this mod you are working on determines your entire future. I was thinking the same thing at an older age and it took me awhile to realize these feelings just aren't true to reality.

    I joined this place when I was 15 with no experience in the things you listed (programming, art, CS Modding), and I didn't complete any* of my mods for four entire years. Everything I made was eventually abandoned due to indefinite procrastination and panicking about "how old I'm becoming without anything to show". During these early years I also faced my own controversies and "agony":
    [1.] At 15 I staged a boycott over my own mods over some dumb petition to (in summarization) get the forums to "stop swearing", which resulted in me becoming the laughing-stock of the moment and getting humiliated over my young stupidity.
    [2.] At 16 I released "Cave (No Story)" (*the only technically complete thing I released during this time). It was something I made over a weekend without much thought; something I would have rather went under the radar with more attention put to the bigger things I was working on (which as stated before, ended up getting abandoned anyway, but at the time it felt like my future depended on them). Inconceivably, somehow this got sent to Vinny of Vinesauce streaming fame, someone I look up to, and resulted in one of his most painfully boring and cringey streams of 2014. It was a complete embarrassment, and if you find the recording of this stream on YouTube you'll see it's filled with hundreds of comments all pointing and laughing at my expense. I was essentially a joke, and I still feel somewhat responsible for possibly ruining the image of an entire community in the eyes of another.
    [3.] When I was 17 I canceled everything I was working on, vented here on the forums, and then left for almost two years.

    It wasn't until I was almost 19 and already graduated from High School that I came back here, and months later finished a mod for once. That's how long it took for me to see something to completion. It wasn't a magical switch in my abilities or personality either. During that time away I spiraled into a depression deep enough to require therapy and medication. When I had finished that first mod (Enthology) in 2017 I also promised that I would go back and finish another called Carnage Clash. Guess what, I never did and canceled it a 2nd time. Late that year (4 years ago) I started a mod called "The Booster 8.0". This 30-minute mod is 95% complete and just needs bug fixes for the most part. Guess what, I haven't touched it 3.5 years. You may know me as the guy who runs Doukutsu Club, that website where most CS mods nowadays are uploaded. I started that back in 2018 as an unfinished prototype, and I want you to take a wild guess how much actual development and updates it has seen in the past 3 years.

    What I'm trying to point out with all of this is that the comparisons, the embarrassment, the "lack of progress" that your brain is inventing don't actually matter. There's a saying that "the harshest critic is yourself", as only you know your entire life story and are able to spend the time to pick apart its flaws. It's a biological evolutionary habit that our brains do in an attempt to better ourselves over the competition for food and shelter and finding mates etc. Now that our global population is all connected online we are all comparing ourselves to billions of others, which isn't healthy because even if you could quantify happiness/success/fame (you can't), basic math says that there will be billions to millions of people who are better than you. It's literally improbable to be perfect in all regards. You said you were ashamed about being banned and doing something years ago but I'm gonna be entirely honest: as an admin in one of those places I don't even really remember what you did, nor do I think any of it matters. Teenage years are called "the awkward years" for a reason, everyone does several humiliating things and then grows out of it, that's why those bans are temporary. I can't lie and say "nobody dislikes you" because I can't read minds, but personally I haven't seen anybody say anything negative about you for years and I view you as just a normal dude in the active community. Did you know all of those embarrassing things about me or how many years I've procrastinated on working on all that stuff? No, nobody remembers or keeps track of that except for myself. Time erases all of that and normal (non-egocentric) people are concerned about their own flaws 100 times more than those of others.

    You stated that you feel like you should be "at least decent at programming, scripting, illustrating, pixel art...fluent in speaking Japanese or...Cave Story Modding". There's a chance that you, like many others do, see me as some adult figurehead in this community that is "just better" at all of this and free from any embarrassment/controversy, but the truth is that I'm at least 8 years older, had my own embarrassing moments, and I can script cave story mods with adequate-at-best programming and that's it. I can't do any of the other things you mentioned. You aren't expected to just be a toolbox of skills (nobody in this community is). If you want to mod CS right now, take your time there isn't a rush. If you want to step away and follow another passion, go for it there isn't a rush. If you currently have no ambitions to do anything right now due to depression ((hey, did you know seasonal depression is really common during the winter? Guess what season it is.)) than take a break, I promise that your ambition towards something will come back later I guarantee it.
    HaydenStudios
    HaydenStudios
    Very well said Enlight. Ah yes, I remember that boycott. What I always found so ironic about that whole thing was that BLink was the one who really spearheaded it, and yet you seemed to be blaming yourself as the primary instigator, which I never quite understood.
    EnlightenedOne
    EnlightenedOne
    Well yeah it might not have been my idea initially, but I doubled down and made the loudest impact with my signature banner and posts and everything. It proves the point that it was something dumb that I actively took part in, something I got flack and was laughed at for, and ultimately doesn't matter (most everybody forgot or isn't here anymore) and I can laugh at it myself now years later.
    Infinityβ
    1626122751849.pngAre you fucking kidding me?
    HaydenStudios
    HaydenStudios
    When I first saw that, I was afraid that a bunch of posts and threads had been lost, then I was relieved that it was just attachments and avatars. Was there anything you uploaded that didn't get backed up?
    Infinityβ
    Infinityβ
    The link to download the Project Ampersand test build is broken, and when I tried to reupload it, it wouldn't work.
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