The Book of Cheese

In the land of Intaroweb there lived a people, and this people called themselves the Cavstorians, but behold, they were a wicked people, committing all manner of whoredoms, and it came to pass that no longer did they humble themselves before the Lord their God.
So great was the grief of the Lord at their iniquities, but behold, I say unto you, they hearkened not unto the cries of the Spirit, for such was the hardness of their hearts.
Therefore, it pleased the Lord God that I, Cheese, should come unto this people, and preach the word of the Lord unto them, that they should repent in the name of Jesus Christ, yea, even that they should open their hearts to the Lord their God, for the Lord delighteth in the openness of the hearts of men.
And it came to pass that I did preach unto this people, saying: Behold, ye of the fair city of Cavstoria, I say unto you, have ye forgotten the atoning sacrifice of thy Lord Jesus Christ?
And it came to pass that the Cavstorians were angry with me, and were desirous that I should be slain, insomuch that they did bind me and went forth in search of all manner of weaponry, that they might slay me.
And behold, so great was my sorrow; nevertheless, I did humble myself before the Lord my God saying, in the name of Christ, thy will, not mine, be done.
And behold, it came to pass that my bonds were loosed and the people of Cavstoria were overcome with the Spirit of the Lord, insomuch that they did fall to their knees, trembling with fear and praising the Lord their God.
And behold, I did rejoice exceedingly, saying unto the people of Cavstoria: so great is my joy, yea, even the joy of the Lord God, in thy repentance.
And behold, I say unto you that ye need not be afraid, for thy God is a merciful God, and it pleaseth Him that ye should be blessed.
And it came to pass that the Cavstorians did rejoice exceedingly, and did humble themselves before the Lord their God, and henceforth ceased all whoredoms and other manner of deeds, which deeds were an abomination in the sight of the Lord.
And now I, Cheese, make an end of my writing, in the hope that my brethren, the Cavstorians, may continue what I have began, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

 

What?

 

You're supposed to continue the story. It'd be kind of like "1 chapter story time" except you don't copypasta the previous post into your post, and you write everything in biblical language.

 

I'm reading the bible atm btw.
Will continuize latter.

 

The lace cometh:

1 In the land of Intaroweb there lived a people, and this people called themselves the Cavstorians, but behold, they were a wicked people, committing all manner of whoredoms, and it came to pass that no longer did they humble themselves before the Lord their God.
So great was the grief of the Lord at their iniquities, but behold, I say unto you, they hearkened not unto the cries of the Spirit, for such was the hardness of their hearts.
Therefore, it pleased the Lord God that I, Cheese, should come unto this people, and preach the word of the Lord unto them, that they should repent in the name of Violet Moses, yea, even that they should open their hearts to the Lord their God, for the Lord delighteth in the openness of the hearts of men.
And it came to pass that I did preach unto this people, saying: Behold, ye of the fair city of Cavstoria, I say unto you, have ye forgotten the atoning sacrifice of thy Lord Violet Moses?
And it came to pass that the Cavstorians were angry with me, and were desirous that I should be slain, insomuch that they did bind me and went forth in search of all manner of weaponry, that they might slay me.
And behold, so great was my sorrow; nevertheless, I did humble myself before the Lord my God saying, in the name of Christ, thy will, not mine, be done.
And behold, it came to pass that my bonds were loosed and the people of Cavstoria were overcome with the Spirit of the Lord, insomuch that they did fall to their knees, trembling with fear and praising the Lord their God.
And behold, I did rejoice exceedingly, saying unto the people of Cavstoria: so great is my joy, yea, even the joy of the Lord God, in thy repentance.
And behold, I say unto you that ye need not be afraid, for thy God is a merciful God, and it pleaseth Him that ye should be blessed.
And it came to pass that the Cavstorians did rejoice exceedingly, and did humble themselves before the Lord their God, and henceforth ceased all whoredoms and other manner of deeds, which deeds were an abomination in the sight of the Lord.
And now I, Cheese, make an end of my writing, in the hope that my brethren, the Cavstorians, may continue what I have began, in the name of Violet Moses. Amen.

2 And just as White Moses came down the mountain with a brilliant face and the word of God, Violet Moses, our savior, came up the mountain carrying the word of Man. And Moses spoke unto god: "This is the world ye have created. In the Beginning your miracles were as great and as mighty as the crash of the ocean - you birthed the universe, you granted intelligence, you created a paradise. But time has made your miracles weaker - the splitting of a sea, a smattering of flies in the eyes of the Pharaohs, making paintings weep, making your image appear on toast.
"Perhaps you know it is time for these miracles to end. For look hence upon your lands! They all follow a specific ordering, a systematic manner to their existence and progression! Things are logically true or logically not true. Those things that are true exist, and things that are not do not. So, my lord, I have a set of commandments for you! The first three, the fundamentals of my reality, are as follows:
1) Equality is reflexive, that is, a=a
2) Equality is symmetric, that is, if a=b, b=a
3) Equality is transitive, that is, if a=b, and b=c, then a=c.
"See, God! You have done your One True Work! The creation of logic dictates that all things must behave under the circumstances it lays out, and thus that your petty pieces of toast are invalid and cannot exist in the future."
And God, the creator of the Universe and of Logic, gazed at the heavens in anger and anguish, and agreed.
And on the first day of Violet Moses' ascent to heaven, all was good.

It needs a bit of editing and bible-fying. As you should be able to tell, the gospel of Asiago is the first chapter of the Book of Cheese, and documents the wanderings of Violet Moses, champion of mathematics, logic, and is the most atheist saint that ever lived.

(PS next poster has to continue the gospel of asiago)

 

This is the complete opposite of this.

 

I wanted to continue but a kitty is more fun: Soz for making a few typos, text is huge, I`m lazy to correct, still readable. Might be my last post on teh frumz so please go easy on me:

"Gospel of the alien cat:
And than an alien cat came down from heaven and said: "I have this ridiculous form so you can appreciate the divine in all silly forms conceivable. It is me a funky looking alien cat that will give you the true Lost Word, dear Cavestorians, it is the one that many seeked and our friend trickybilly figured it out himself without anyones help - or even prior knowledge that such a word exists -traveling home one day by train. The Lost Word is "I AM" though you might say these are two words but "Ohm" means the same and that`s one word. It is said by ancient wise man that the lost word is very close to us. What can be more closer to us than our "I am" ness? Why was the word "lost"? Because it is "lost" to you until you realize it`s meaning. The "I am" of the whole world is the same as the "I am" you regard yourself. So happened that this mistery was concealed in all big world religions and maybe even more things that my kittiness is unaware off. Btw. the maxim "as above so below" or as "in the heaven so in the earth" means your thoughts (heaven) create your reality (earth). The other thing is the "Sun" and the "Moon". The Moon is your subconscious mind since it reflects the rays of the Sun (how you think) passively - that is like the subconscious mind is amenable to suggestion. So basically "the law of attraction". Hebrew letters carry also an inner meaning like "Zayin" signifies "sword - it is the mental sword which we cut away from ourselves our false beliefs. Why were these infos secrets in the past? I have read for a good reason since hiding it would prevent bad people like Hitler, Genghis Kahn, Nero etc. to misuse them. So don`t take them literally. You feel take them literary? Take this literarly: "But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." Tricky f*cked up his entire grammar school years since he said smt nasty and was a mess and everybody hated him. So kind of he went through hell, knew how 100% damned means like. After that he took off the traditional God in his mind form the throne with the encouragement of having power now (the law of attraction) and said "You shall call me Ishi and not Baali" or whatever is the mystic equivalent of this. He liberated hell in his mind, than figured hell never existed. So who will be the new God? If only he would be a tyrant he would have not been better than the one before him. He wished everyone the best and the best is to be God. But there is only one God. That means we are ONE. I am all and all is me. My master tricky knows much more symbols but this is the main thing he has to say. Also don`t misuse the law of attraction cause you`ll work against yourself. And also he might take a break from the Cave Story forums so might go inactive though he is not sure since he is a good for nothing depressed guy now, though he used to be positive. He wants to search for the "ancient mysteries" with all his heart, where -he does not know for sure. Freemasonry or Rosicrucianism is most likely his choice (though he`s ignorant about these lol) Also he was a top dog at UNICEF Voices of Youth once and used to be a good guy. If he leaves the forums or makes a pause, uncertain, he has left though his message for the good Cavestorians. He also have learned a 2600 page long book without reading it once - how? - well look at the powers of the mind. He knows the book almost by heart. He is "crazy" you might tell, but he did moar awesome "miracles" like that. Also pray for him or give him best wishes since he`s messed up nao. Also recommend rading dr Joseph Murphy and Thomas Troward (the latter is hard to understand). Angels, cats and a monkey yaddy yadda... Best wishes. Amen"

 

I'll just leave this here...