Let's Play MapleStory

Part 1: Welcome to MapleStory

Maple Story is an old Japanese Cave Story mod about Jean Chrétien fighting members of parliament, Newfoundland, and dudes with cream pies. Its main features are Canadian inside jokes and a beaver-riding minigame.

Sorry.

MapleStory is a free-to-play MMORPG developed by the Korean company Wizet. Sometimes I like to talk about how shitty it is, and how much of my life I wasted playing it.

Spoiler

A long time ago, in a basement far, far away, I discovered MapleStory. It did a great job of drawing me in at first, with its quaint visuals, charming music, and the impression that anything you do matters. It seemed like a worthwhile game. I soon became disillusioned, however. For years I had an on/off relationship with MapleStory, wherein I would get sick of the monotonous gameplay, quit for a few months, and then remember all the things I liked about it. As more bullshit was added to the game, and I grew older, the off stages lasted longer and the on stages were shorter. The last time I played MapleStory before this, I was shocked and dismayed at how much stupid, time-wasting, money-draining bullshit Wizet had crammed into the game. It barely resembled the thing I had played in 2006. The thing that actually resembled a game and not the gift shop at Disneyland.

So now, I come back to MapleStory not to squeeze whatever drops of nostalgia are left from it, but to expose it to those of sound mind. Those who would never play this fucking game, but need to witness the cash vacuum that GIR claimed "is still good if you play on a private server."

What a chode.

I hope to undertake this LP with fresh eyes, judging this game by what it is, not what it was. Old MapleStory is dead to me. What horror awaits us in New MapleStory? Still the same fucking tedious process of installing and running the game, of course.

A web-based launcher for a game that's installed on my computer. Any sane man would stop here, and only a fool would call me sane. Does it get better or worse from here, though?

Worse.

Definitely worse.

Those errors apparently affected nothing, because the game is starting now. After loading two different anti-cheat programs, of course. Can't have people skipping hundreds of hours of grinding, they might have fun instead of paying money.

Okay, the game is "starting."

Welcome to MapleStory. That's quite the title screen. I'm already scared of playing this game, Wizet, don't make it even more intimidating. Now, which world do I want to play in? One without unwashed masses of preteens. Ha ha, I kid, I kid. They're all like that. I choose Meridia, though. The underwater levels always suck, but it's a relatively empty world AND it's allied with Kraid. I don't know how servers can be allied, but good for them.

On this screen, we enter the Infraworld. The realm of spirits that exists past our own dimension. This is not a place for mortal entities, but to enter MapleStory, we must bind a lost soul to a newly created character. Then it can ruin our character's life, fuck up her romantic dates, and murder everyone that tries to rape her (a lot of people). Yeah, having your souls tethered sucks, go cry into your hamburger phone.
Time to select a victim.

Take the soul of a member of the Resisty. As you can see, these brave fighters are always angry, because they're forced to use fucking cats and shitty mechs to fight, and are completely useless without them. If you enjoy having a terrible character, join the Resisty.

Exploradoras are the four classes that MapleStory started out with, plus the Pirate class that was the first of many to be added. The level cap is 50 levels higher now, presumably because the zombies at level 200 demanded more grinding. These guys are old news, though. I want to see what kind of new, wacky and exciting bullshit MapleStory has in store for us.

Wow, I get to play as this hot goddess chick? Oh, no, that's just the bitch I'll be working for if I choose the prestigious Knight of Cydonia class. The stats say that's the easiest class in the game, so NO THANKS! We're not here for casual fridays, motherfucker, these are some MLG-level skills you're going to see.

The Aryan class, who are brown in this universe. Thanks, Obama! You can tell they're still racist in MapleStory, because their ultimate enemy is black.

Here's something I haven't seen before. A Hero. Mercedes. The stripper class, I guess. "This ruler of Elves was the first hero to penetrate the Black Mage's front lines." Yeah. This is the stripper class. If you can find any woman named Mercedes who isn't a stripper, it's because they're not a stripper yet.

Original character © MapleStory do not steal

Oops, how did Touhou get in here? I was tempted to choose this character for their sheer kawaiitude, and also to see if they turned the whole game into a shmup, but then I saw THIS lovely creature...

THE BUSTY ANGEL. This character is perfect. Dragon-ghost companion, frilly dresses, being the awesomest superhero of all time, and having a damage potential that is through the roof. The roof won't even know what hit it when I whip out my enormous DPS cock. This character was obviously destined to be played by me. Our threads of fate are interwoven. I must know this busty angel's story, and see how her life got flipped, turned upside down by some evil priests. Alright, buster, let's get this shitshow on the shitroad.

All the good names are taken. In fact, I was starting to think that everything but random strings of characters is taken. There are a lot of preteens playing this game. Perhaps including the windsofwinds we all know and love?

But wait, that character looks nothing like the busty angel I was promised! This is nothing but a commoner, a frilly-dress-lacking peasant with no superpowers or dragon ghost. Okay, maybe the dragon ghost is invisible, but the frilly dress is the important part!

Now that I've found a name, I can at least make myself an intelligent-faced, purple-haired peasant. Things are looking up. I'd hate to go through the game with regular hair and a stupid face. I could have done some kind of Elfen Lied homage since red hair and horns are an option, but what kind of faggot names their character after some gay cartoon?

Having created a non-faggot character, I can now get a part-time job. What a fantastic method of escapism you've concocted, Wizet. I can truly lose myself in this world that is unlike anything I have experienced.

Oh. I'm unemployable. What a refreshing break from reality. Man fuck this character creation bullshit, who cares about part-time jobs and character cards, let's just start the god damn game.

Here we get our first look at MapleStory's crisp and uncluttered interface, and our first look at this bitch who annoys the fuck out of you whenever there's an event. I don't care about your stupid Decemberween tokens or whatever timesink you've got this time. Skip the tutorial cutscenes? Are you crazy? Without the rich backstory, I'll have no investment in the game! Narrative is everything, let's get going. I have no idea what that Monster Life thing is. Let's ignore it. The cinematics begin...

If that is your real name, Ms. Childhood Selves!
I put 8V at the end of my name so that I can imagine NPCs making that face as they speak. I hope it makes the experience more bearable.
You can see the basic controls tutorial trying to peek through the dialogue, but to no avail. It is concealed by the heavy and intricate narrative about Nimona cryin' again 8V

Yeah asshole, I can't help being differently magicalled. Check your fucking privilege, magiscum.
That tutorial box went away once it saw the dialogue hogging the spotlight. Poor guy. I still care about you, basic controls tutorial!

I won't conform to your magiriarchy, stop oppressing me. It's not my job to educate those shitlord bullies.

Wow what a bunch of assholes.
Later, we find our heroes in the city, eating candy, because that would be a logical jump in narrative:

Or we find them here. In Super Nimona Construction. Not eating candy.

How many times do I have to explain to you what Tourette's Syndrome is, you ableist shitlord super Nimona construction 8V? I can't believe the amount of oppression that's happening in the first minute of this game.

Iron Dickfort 12!

Or that I GUESS

Some of us are Lawful Good, some of us are Swole Neutral. All of us are mirin'. But Iron Dickfort 12 is still an option, right?

CURSE YOU FOR TAKING OUR LANDS, KILLING OUR HEROES, AND SUMMONING LAVOS—no wait, he said Magnus. Well, he's probably still an asshole. Fuck that Magnus guy, right?! I'm 100% sure that this supervillain will be central to the plot and not virtually forgotten!
Lol, plot.
So anyway, Iron Dickfort 12 will be the official base of operations for the Heliseum Force.

A real RPG would let me call it Iron Dickfort 12. 3/10, get Bethesda to make the next MapleStory.
So far, despite all my expectations, MapleStory is better than I remember. Solely because I haven't had to play it yet. There's a whole lot of oppression of muggle-kin going on, and I've been triggered like 3 times so far, but at least the story doesn't suck every kind of dick it's possible to suck. Tune in next time for... frilly dresses maybe? Superpowers? Possibly a dragon ghost? Or maybe
dare I say it
gameplay?

Part 2: Spookerpowers

 

This thread is...

Spoiler

...probably the most accurate summary and LP of Maplestory I've seen in years. I remember wasting hours of my life on it about 2 years ago...I also remember waiting for 17 hours for it to download.
I wish I was kidding.

 

Having never played maplestory before, I look forward to the escapades that await in this vacant platformer-esque button-holding simulator rich fantasy world.
Can you do Runescape next?

 

I tried to play MapleStory a long time ago... numerous times. .-. But it never worked.

 

Can you do Runescape next?

It depends on whether or not I want to hate myself, my life, and especially fucking Jagex.

I tried to play MapleStory a long time ago... numerous times. .-. But it never worked.

This does not surprise me at all.

 

Hm. MapleStory kind of has some nice music, if Cygnus Gardens is any indication, but somehow I think I'm going to bruise my soul if I ever try playing it. So I'm not gonna do that. D:

Good luck staying sane, Fabulous! I'll stay tuned.

 

Cool stuff, hope this doesn't come to a crashing halt the moment the actual gameplay starts. Which, i imagine it will be because Iron Dickfort 12 will probably need about 173 upgrades before we can normally move on.

Also, next time can you look at the Cash Shop? I want to see what kind of 'gameplay enhancements' they'll have.

 

The cash shop is just a giant clothing mall to customize your character with stuff that don't actually give you any bonuses. The rest are items that give you random stuff or randomly have a chance of making one of your items better/ruined forever, most of Dual Blade's good skills, and some other useless stuff.

Honestly I enjoyed it way back when there were only four classes and there wasn't an anniversary event going on for five months. It still was slow and you had to grind, but at least there was less bullshit. Now all that Nexon thinks about is "new characters" and "events to make you even more godly than you were before". They're trying to appeal to their audience but doing a shitty job, and half of its audience hates them for it.

Although I admit I have logged on again in the past to try some of the new characters. Most of them just focus around being faster than the speed of hedgehog though.

 

Part 2: Spookerpowers

Last episode, our young hero Nimona and her magic-privileged friends had just formed the Heliseum Force, a trio of warriors dedicated to doing shit all. Their secret base was christened the... sigh Heliseum Hideout. Whether or not they got candy from the city, we'll never know. MapleStory lays the mystery on thick.

Now, let us continue these tutorial cutscenes, which have not included an accessible tutorial so far.

Spoiler

The cutscenes end here, and the tutorial begins. It's wonderfully thoughtful, incorporating basic MapleStory skills into an interactive story that explores the three characters with surprising depth. Kyle, Velderoth and Nimona have all kinds of wacky adventures as the Heliseum Force, but drama unfolds and the tone becomes darker as they age. The interaction between the three of them is engaging and fresh, and it reeled me into the story like few video games before this. The actual tutorial is woven into this flawlessly, taking hints from old 8-bit-era games that didn't have the memory for wordy tutorials. All in all, an acceptable apology for the thick-headed introduction.

Of course I was fucking joking. Let's nap instead of doing all that.
(all grown up i really wanna shout it out)

Although, I am sympathizing with Nimona more already. Fuck you guys for not respecting her lifestyle.

That's because it's true, you smirking douchebag. I didn't form the Heliseum Force to actually do work.

Is... that sarcasm? I can't tell. It started off sarcastic but at the end she seemed genuinely excited about fancy new titles?

Also, notice that Nimona's hair changed colour. This will not be mentioned ever because it was my decision, and Wizet giving a shit about anything I do is a ludicrous idea. Let's use our imaginations and say that she dyed it purple to become more anime, just like her friend Kyle!

If you're starting with some more ableist garbage I'm reporting you to the privilege police.

Yeah! Fighting includes being a lazy ass all day, right? I love fighting!

I knew it, here comes more of your mugglephobic mageriarchy bullshit.

Oh my god I can't believe you said that, you are oppressing me with your magic privilege I'm going to go update my tumblr

Now he's calling me stupid. These two really look down on me for doing nothing with my life except complaining that I'm magically disabled. How insensitive of them. Some day I'll show you! SOME DAY I'LL HAVE A FRILLY DRESS AND YOU WILL BE SORRY!

On second thought, they're probably oppressing me because I'm a woman. Wearing a frilly dress will undoubtedly challenge their sexist worldview.

Don't surrender to the institution, Nimona. Be strong.

There's no more time for text boxes, we need a spiky speech bubble holy shit!!!

oooooooooooooo somebody's got a crush on the lazy retarded girl!!! 8V Let's hear about some of those hot interpersonal relationships!!!!!! That is part of any good story, after all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nope fuck you, there's too much plot to do.

I can't believe they didn't come up with a better catch phrase after all these years. "Heliseum Force, go!"? I'm making up a better one right now: "私がきしむ男だ！" Exotic warcries are way threatening, because your enemies won't even know what kind of murderous oaths you're hurling at them with your mouthwords.

Except for all those nefarious-ass priests, you dongwad. This must be where Nimona's life gets flipped, turned upside-down, according to the character description. Look how fucking nefarious those priests are! They're so nefarious that they don't have noses or eyes. Holy shit they're so nefarious that I don't have a nose or eyes anymore. This game has literally hospitalized me with its nefariousness.

Velderoth ran home to get help. It's up to Kyle and Nimona to fight these super-nefarious holy mans! 私がきしむ男だ！ The actual gameplay starts here, with a minimalist tutorial for melee combat. Kyle's attacks weave gracefully around your own, showing how close and experienced in combat the Heliseum Force is. Multitudes is said about their relationship with few words. The game instead uses their fighting dynamic to tell the story. It's the first example of good storytelling so far.

I lied. Wizet just drew a picture instead. Combat is barely even implied.

I'm not sure what to make of this scene. Nimona's on the ground doing what she does best, but where are two of those priests? And more importantly, where are Kyle's eyes!? Quick, find his eyes! Maybe they can sew them back on! Oh no, Kyle, you were the most Final Fantasy of us all. What a tragic loss.

Nimona! Those periods indicate that you're awake! You've got to stop Kyle from becoming nefarious. He's only brooding right now, but soon he could turn dastardly. After that stage, it's hard to reverse the process. Soon, he will transition to diabolical, and then... nefarious.

GASP.

Kyle is the only person around here with a normal-ass name. We can't afford to lose him, Nimona.

Excuse me, I am NOT a boy, you nefarious assholes super Nimona construction 8V. If I ever open my eyes, I'll beat the shit out of y—

Fuck. Something actually happened this time, but it was so fast that I didn't take a screenshot of it. It involved murdering the shit out of those two priests. There were pink swirls onscreen. It might have been cool if I knew what the fuck was going on. Meanwhile, Nimona's unconscious again, and/or presenting her lovebox to an incurably nefarious Kyle.

Hold on, Velderoth, when did you show up??? Oh god, okay, I know what this looks like, but I can explain.

Oh great, it's great that you brought the village elder and some black ginger with a huge dick-sword that's ribbed for her pleasure. I really want them to see the suggestive situation we're in right now.

...realize that this opening cinematic is garbage and you wish you could skip it. Wait, was that gigantic IV drip for Nimona? That tube is the size of her arm! Did she have literally no blood left in her? Did she use it all to fight those priests? IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED???

Well jesus, Nimona, don't overreact. I almost saw a hint of emotion in your dead eyes.

This relic is completely mysterious and its powers are unknown to us, but somehow we know for sure it's harmless. Things that can't be removed from your body are usually benign. We do have a way to remove your arm, though. We are good at medicine. Just look at how big our IV drip is!

Something tells me you're gonna have to get used to it.

Man shut the fuck up I don't need your sarcasm right now. And if you're being serious then you can go fuck yourself. You stupid emotional ginger prick. We all know what that sword is compensating for.

Spoiler

Your lack of a soul.

Nimona's reaction to Cartalion's weepy bullshit sums up MapleStory so succinctly and perfectly that I could just keep posting that picture instead of writing comments. Unfortunately, I was getting fed up with these retarded cutscenes so I stopped taking screenshots of almost every text box. So now I have to write more instead of less. Sigh.

After walking out of the hospital without a doctor's permission because of teenage angst, Nimona wanders through the countryside, bawling her eyes out. This is surely the lowest point in her life. Having a big pink bracelet is the worst thing that could ever happen. She runs to Iron Dickfort 12, where Kyle finds her weeping over nothing. He even has the decency to be concerned about this bitch, and Nimona brushes him off to continue crying.

And she did. The end.

Spoiler

Okay, no she didn't, even though I really wanted her to.

"Boooooooohooooooooo I have a thing on my arm, my life is over T_T_T_T_T_T_T"

Kids these days.

Nimona stops being a whiny crybaby long enough to decide that she wants to do something about it, instead of being the lazy shitpile she usually is. Her plan is to continue being a whiny crybaby but also return the relic to the East Sanctum. She's already been told that won't work, but shhhhh plot and stuff is gonna happen.

"Pssssst."

A mysterious "psssssst" breaks the silence of the night, which was already broken by Nimona's whiny babycries but now it's even more broken. Where did that voice come from? Those bushes? We'll never know, because it was just an ambiguous speech bubble originating from nowhere in particular, and it vanished before I hit PrtScn.
"Who said that?" blubbers Nimona.

Focus on what? The improbably pointy rock behind her? That appears to be what's talking to us. Hello Mr. Rock? How are you? Do you want something? I'm sorry, I can't smell what you're cooking.

Oh. It was a Cadillac in a fursuit all along. I'm very impressed that a luxury SUV can fit into that dragon costume.

Calm the fuck down, Nimona. Seeing glowing dragons appear from nowhere is nothing to be alarmed about, especially after all the incredibly stupid bullshit I just saw prior to this meeting. Now that we know who the myterious voice belongs to, this is the least confusing part of MapleStory so far.

Wow Eskalade, I'm sure you could make that sound creepier if you tried, but that was pretty good for off-the-cuff. Look, I'm sure you're a nice man... or dragon-man... or SUV-dragon-ghost-bracelet, but I think you should at least have dinner and go bowling with Nimona before you, um, scale her fortifications with your ladder.

Nimona, I apologize for swearing at you last screenshot, as spooky dragonghost over here is clearly something to be alarmed about.

She ends up giving in to Eskalade's demands, though. He just really wants to give her superpowers with his dragonly ghostiness. Very badly. No, I don't think that's a euphemism, he's just determined to give this random chick dragon powers. Nimona and her talking bracelet return to the East Sanctum, and Eskalade tells her to put on the Mega Ring lying there so she can Mega Evolve.

His insistence is creeping me out again.

Nimona puts on the ring (always do what strangers tell you to do, kids) and becomes a Sailor Scout:

Yep. I'm guessing this is why Giratina wanted to give Nimona spooky ghost powers.

This is definitely his fetish. More like the Mega Objectification Ring, am I right? Hahahahaha you can expect to hear about it on my tumblr.

Where we're going, we don't need pants.

Without warning, three nefarious priests show up to snatch the relic. Unfortunately for them, it's attached to a gender stereotype. They don't want to hurt such a pretty little girl. The relic has been separated from the Sanctum, so one of them suggests just letting Nimona keep it.

Wow.

Nimona can't wear a frilly dress for 5 seconds without being called a bimbo.

At least no one's calling her retarded anymore. (no one but me)

She's had enough trouble with her horned dragon. Nimona doesn't need to put up with this bullshit too.

Are you, in fact, fucking kidding me. Guy.

Thank you for for shutting that other guy up, and also for calling Nimona a bimbo again.

Actual combat tutorial time! AKA Everything you need to know about MapleStory combat in one sentence. It's there twice to make sure you know what you'll be doing for the rest of the game. I haven't seen a tutorial this succinct since Duke Chew'em.

Let's click through whatever dumb shit Maple Administrator has to say, and—

JESUS CHRIST, WHAT A SLICK INTERFACE. I LOVE THE PART WHERE I'M GETTING BODIED BEHIND THIS GIANT BLACK FRIDAY ADVERTISEMENT, BUT I CAN'T SEE OR MOVE.

(Shhhh, I know it's January, shhhhh. SHHHH THESE SCREENSHOTS ARE CONTEMPORARY SHHHHHH)

No. No it's not. No part of this was cool. The part where I pressed one button repeatedly until everything died was not cool. The part where I couldn't even fucking see until I closed five windows wasn't cool. And the part where I have to sit through more dialogue is so not cool that old people are dying of heat stroke.

What the hell just came out of your mouth, Nimona? Do your magic powers use brain cells as ammunition?

Thanks for backing me up on that sick burn, Ford Focus.

HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE i report u

Eskalade tells Nimona how to activate her Angelic Buster powers: by invoking the name of Mr. Dressup, Unholy Lord of Make-Believe.

Then, even though she is clearly already in Busty Angle mode, she transforms into Angela Bust 'Em Up again.

WITH THE HELP OF A FULLY ANIMATED CUTSCENE



Real talk, guys, the first time I watched this I almost passed out from laughing instead of breathing. This video is just so ripe for mockery that I don't know where to begin. In fact, it's too ripe. If I touch it, it'll fall apart and attract flies. All I can say is, boob jiggle at 0:12.

Tune in next time when I might get to play a video game?

Part 1: Welcome to Maplestory | Part 3: The Maples of Wrath

---

This took an exceptionally long time to write because I spent a lot of time not writing it. I didn't feel like putting up with all this bullshit. Not when Starbound exists. I'm sorry about that, and updates will likely be more frequent than once a month in the future. Also, I would appreciate feedback on length of updates and readability due to large images. If you're fine with both of those things then don't leave any feedback, fuck you, I don't want your advice anyway.

 

I fail to see the problem with his character choice sold, you just listed several good reasons why it was a good idea for him to pick her

 

 

fab u shit you picked the wrong one

 

fab u shit you picked the wrong one

Not out yet actually. However I posted it because I expect future updates of this thread to have Fab playing it.


Oh, and Angelic Buster was like the perfect choice to do a "Let's Play" of MapleStory since AB has one of the funniest storylines of the classes bar none, solely because of the banter between AB and the cosplaying SUV.

 

I'm amazed it took them so long to come up with that

 

This is so true. I tried updating it the other day to see how much it's changed and I just got to the login screen and quit. I'll stick to animating from now on.




pretty much me trying to play

 

This is so true. I tried updating it the other day to see how much it's changed and I just got to the login screen and quit. I'll stick to animating from now on.



pretty much me trying to play

Alright well, the video was embedded wrong but I watched it anyways it was pretty funny. Yup. I'm not gonna play MapleStory any time soon. It never worked on my parents' iMac, or my Macbook, or my old ancient desktop Windows XP computer, and I'm glad for that.

RUNESCAPE, however, got me to play for a decent amount of time in which I actually found some decent puzzle-based quests to go and puzzle-solve but aside from the puzzles the game was pretty much crap. OH WELL. (But their new tutorial sequence is quite a bit more interesting than it used to be)

 

updates will likely be more frequent than once a month in the future

lol


Part 3: The Maples of Wrath

I guess I should warn the general public that this part contains more offensive language than the previous two, so if you don’t want to read words like “cunt” then you should have stopped reading before I said it.

Previously on Nimona and Eskalade’s Excellent Adventure:

we shot some priests to death with ghost bullets

And now, the exciting conclusion:

Spoiler

I can no longer shoot people to death with ghost bullets. It was fun while it lasted.
But now I’m actually playing a game! I can walk around, jump, shot boolit, and do other video game things. Possibilities abound! Optimism shows its face! Let’s start by chatting up some townsfolk. What else would you do in an RPG, right?

I don’t know why I thought that would be a productive use of my time. This is MapleStory. If they don’t have a quest or a gimmick, NPCs might as well not exist.

So while I was drinking in the worst GUI of all time, I noticed that this Monster Life pop-up won’t fuck off like the others did. I have to click on it. Fine. Let’s go wherever it takes me and get out as soon as possible.

I have no idea what I’m getting myself into.

Unholy mother of fuck, I’m playing Farmville. MapleStory just tricked me into playing Farmville. Sad as it is, I came here to play MapleStory, and now I’m playing GOD DAMN FARMVILLE and this PISSY BROAD is not making the transition any smoother. Fuck your mochachino and give me some time to process this, Clara.

Wow fuck right off, bitch. MapleStory forced me to come here and you start laying into me like I shat on your breakfast. You totally deserve to have someone shit on your breakfast, by the way, but I have better things to do. Please get me out of here.

Oh great, none of the buttons except Prev and OK work. Guess I’m stuck here, listening to this cunt tell me I look shabby. I am wearing a motherfucking frilly dress, bitch, don’t even.

Why don’t you get stuffed. Do I look like a hillbilly to you? Do I look like someone who gives a shit about what you think?

The most accurate name I could think of.

MapleStory doesn’t like that name.

Go big or go home, that’s what I say.

Are you fucking my shitwaffles right now, Wizet? You want me to find a unique 12-letter name in an MMO played by millions? What kind of personally meaningful name could I possibly come up with that no one else has?

The answer is none. Azbhgasnfa it is.

Do not. Even. Look, you giant-headed Ayran whore, naming my farm was by far the greatest challenge this game has presented, and you have the fucking nerve to tell me its name is shit. You are the one who put me up to it, and you surely know about the fascist restrictions imposed upon me. I am putting up with this garbage solely to return to a game I don’t even like, so how about you shut your whore mouth and let me start farming so that I can quit and never see your whore face again.
Whore.

Great, let’s get the fuck out of here.

No, I was expecting you to shut the fuck up—
Hold on.
Hold your fucking horses a god damn minute right now.

Bitch. I will take those apples and SHOVE THEM SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU’LL CHOKE ON THEM.
AND NOT IN THE KINKY WAY.

Shut up, you harpy. You were here when I arrived, so maybe you should have installed your own fucking waterfall.

Hate. Hate.

This was never discussed, you vile termagant.
I had to look up words to call this bitch because my vocabulary ran out.

I would absolutely love to see you set your hair on fire. Almost as much as I would love to get out of this horrendous tutorial for this abhorrent minigame, but not more, so I'll do whatever you fucking say. I won't like it, and I won't like you, but I'll do whatever it takes to never talk to you again. Anything short of quitting MapleStory.

Clara continues in this manner, giving out condescending advice and being an evil shrew, and I stopped taking screenshots of every awful thing she says. At some point I placed a building and I think that counts as “playing” a “game.” But then this happened:

Wow bitch.
Just wow.
This chick is so nuts that I hope some squirrels take her away and stash her in a tree. “How to Love Your Clara.” That’s restraining order territory right there.

After a whole lot more steaming horseshit from Clara, who keeps interrupting her own fucking horseshit tutorials in order to convey more steaming horseshit, I get to a stage where I can actually play Maplefarmvillestory. What do you know, there's quests for this game, too. I can do quests in Farmville while I do quests in MapleStory. In fact, I can listen to more of Clara's red-hot horseshit while I do quests while I do quests. GOTYAY.

I'll take your word for it, hag. That thing looks like it's ready to eat my soul, but apparently it's my job to keep it happy.

Yeah you do that. Remember to bring a mop, you... uh... witch. I'm running out of insults. This has never happened before.
She told me not to stop working on the farm, but I’ve got different plans. Time to get the fuck out of—

This guy shows up immediately after Clara leaves. At least he’s a hard-working Mexican who’ll actually get shit done. He brought his dog, so you know he's a legit Mexican.

And you know Kibbles is a legit dog, because he said so.

Ha ha, Kibbles, you are smarter than people.
You're smarter than Clara, anyway.
I sure hope I can upgrade to aegisalt after this.

Then this fairy bitch shows up, and of course she's got an attitude as well. I'm beginning to think these people aren't here to help so much as degrade my self-esteem until I become their slave. All these people who claim to be helping me drop by every once in a while to say something ridiculous and give me money. I'll just show you the highlights of our conversations, and you can imagine how the rest goes.

I don't give a fuck about your wings. I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Just do what you came here to do and leave me alone.

Paolo and Kibbles stop by again. Kibbles and I share a like mindset about this game. Paolo tries to tell me he’s Italian and has a work visa but I don’t speak Mexican and I just tell him to get back to work before I report him.
He leaves instead.

Your what? You’re a fucking ex-convict? Shut the fuck up about my lawn, what the hell were you in for? I don't even know what to think about this game anymore. We've got an ex-con fairy, an illegal immigrant, a fucking...

A fucking huge twatsicle, and

Jules!? THIS is Jules??? This is seriously the man-hunk that Clara isn't an enormous bitch to? And he owes money to someone named Bosco. Interesting…

Yeah he owes some gangster money. This game is getting dark. Also funkayyyyyyy MIXOLOGIST JULIAN IN DA HIZZOUSE

Jesus, Julian, you're one hard-ass motherfucker with an unexpected disdain for the liberal arts. I can see why Clara’s splooshing all over you: you sit around studying organic tissue all day, commit fraud, get your ass beat by Bosco, and like to watch monsters… combine.
SO DREAMY

Wait a minute
How long have I been on this fucking farm?
Does that say level three?
When did I get tricked into playing this god damn game? Oh god, I’ve been buying things and harvesting things and watching monsters fuck. I forgot about the outside world. I forgot that there is something bigger, something brighter, than tending this stupid fucking farm and listening to these insane chibis. I was given the freedom to leave, and I chose to stay.
You do it to yourself, you do. And that’s what really hurts.

Oh right, the game I wasn’t playing was MapleStory. I guess it’s excusable that I was avoiding it, then. There are other players here now, so that’s my cue to fuck off and not talk to them.

NEXT TIME ON MAPLE ACRES: actually playing the video game for real this time?

Part 2: Spookerpowers | Part 4: Actually Playing the Video Game For Real This Time

 

That's...that's terrifying. It just...sucked you right in. Q^Q

 

Longest. Tutorial. Ever. ghaaah

But was it worse than the intro for your character? (Is that possible?)

 

Old topic!
Captain Fabulous, the last post in this thread is over 60 days old. Posting in this thread will be considered a bump, so please make an attempt to be courteous if you go ahead with it.

please read this stupid shit
thank you
ok great, that's out of the way

Part 4: Actually Playing the Video Game For Real This Time

Last time, on TreeNarrative:
I got tricked into running some bitch’s farm for her while she stalked a nerd with mafia connections. I got “help” from Carlos Mencia, London, and Holly Short, and then realized that I wasn’t even playing a video game, much less the video game I came here to play. So this time: maybe video game playing?

Spoiler

Before I can do that, however, I need to dive into this hot mess of a user interface. I know what most of it does, having had previous experience with the game, but all those locks and notifications are PISSING ME OFF. What does this fucking lightbulb do? Pay my electricity bill? Nimona wasn’t allowed to get a part-time job, so I guess that’s it for lights and cooked food.

Oh. It’s just Eskalade the Mighty 4-Wheel Drive, and he wants to chat with me. Why he’s using the postal service when he’s attached to my arm, we may never know.

Nimona, it took two LP episodes to get you that outfit, try to sound a little grateful. Let’s face it, that frilly dress is half the reason I’m doing the Angela Bazinga class, so don’t be such a baby. (The other half reason was promises of dragon-ghosts, but that turned out to be a giant disappointment.)

More like, it pulses with super-duper dragon boners. It’s pretty obvious that Nimona is fulfilling Eskalade’s extremely specific frilly dress fantasies. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but let’s see how it plays out.

Pictured here is Nimona making tremendous progress on her epic quest to be the whiniest person ever. Like, Jesus Christ Nimona, earlier today you were complaining about not being a magical Final Fantasy character like all your friends, and now all you can do is bitch about the dress that comes with magical Final Fantasy powers. Good thing whining isn’t part of Eskalade’s fetish, or Nimona would be coated in ghost-dragon baby juice right now.

Well, shit. I can’t make fun of Eskalade’s fetish if he’s going to openly admit it.
No, scratch that. I can still make fun of how incredibly creepy he is about it.

“Hey lady, just be glad that you got the ghost with a dress fetish, and not the gimp suit guy over in the West Sanctum. He’s a freak.”

So Eskalade admits that Nimona might be his great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter.
Wow.
The gimp suit ghost can’t be much worse than this.

This is where I was given the “Accept/Decline” option, which in this situation translates to “Yes, I believe you,” or “No, fuck off you pervert.”
Guess which one I picked.

Nothing so far has persuaded me to listen to Eskalade. His agenda seems to be entirely superpower- or dress-oriented, and while those are nice, there are plenty of questionable flash games on the internet I could play if that’s the direction I want to go.
Also he’s a fuckin’ creep.

Okay so what’s this star for then?
Events.

noooooooooope

The Event List, which is completely different from the list of events you just saw. This game’s complexity knows no bounds.

I got a reward just for coming in on the weekend. Thanks for reminding me that I should be doing other things with my life, MapleStory.

This box that I CAN’T EVEN OPEN FOR ANOTHER 60 LEVELS will cheer me right up. I’m sure it’s got something fantastic inside, like poo on a stick.

Let’s wrap up our GUI exploration with this fucking icon. Oh boy. What redheaded, stupid-haired wonders await?

A tutorial service. One that seems much more elaborate than necessary. I will be clicking on this approximately never again.

Here’s all my stats. Exciting. Fame is gone, and has been replaced by Honor. I have no idea what Honor is, but Wizet probably managed to think of something even stupider than Fame. Let’s take a peek at the Angola Booty’s skill tree now.

Well I guess I can eat my own words about playing dress-up games on the internet, because that’s what’s about to happen. Playing video games can wait. This is more important.

Ah, fuck. I have to acquire clothes before I can wear them. In hindsight, it was pretty stupid of me to expect anything else. Giving me fun things for free doesn’t make Nexon any richer.
In all seriousness though, this makes sense. As you progress in an MMORPG, you’re gonna want to show off your gear, as opposed to keeping the same frilly dress the whole time. Note: you can’t remove the dress. Being naked would wilt Eskalade’s throbbing pe—uh, powers. He just can’t get his magical powers up without the sequins and frills.

Here I go, actually walking around and exploring. Voluntarily. It’s a glorious moment. Immediately to the left is a group of NPCs that mesh super fantastically well with Pantheon’s visual theme. The townsfolk are all wearing robes and doing magic, and then there’s Donald Fucking Trump, delivering packages. This is one of the reasons I started hating MapleStory. They constantly fuck up every locale’s aesthetic with out-of-place NPCs and billboards that—

FUCK

I get the fuck away from there and spy Velderoth hanging around outside of this church. I strike up a conversation with my dear friend. We have lots to catch up on. Dragon ghost powers, frilly dresses, and farming.

This is the only thing he has to say.
Chode.
Words like “flavour text” and “lore” mean nothing in MapleStory. Here’s all the background info you need: shut up and do the fucking quests.

Further to the left is the Ancient Nova Storage, a sick-ass locker handed down through many generations of scalies. It is the pride of our village. Many great warriors have stuffed their useless junk into this mighty locker, and now, as is tradition, I shall do the same.
It totally smells like sweaty gym clothes though, and that’s gross.

MapleStory very suddenly reminded me that it has challenges. Here’s the only one currently in progress, which I should have no trouble completing. When I do complete it, I’ll get a nice medal to wear, and under my name it’ll say “Forever Single” when I wear that medal.
I think MapleStory hates me as much as I hate it.

Screwing around with Nimona’s skills, I discovered that she has a magical ghost-powered grappling hook. That’s both moderately useful and cooler than anything else Nimona’s done so far.

I’m heading out of the village, since nobody in the entire map wants to talk to me. My adventure begins now.

You’d expect some more stupid bullshit after I say “My adventure begins now,” but nope, here I am, outside the village, looking at murderable animals. The lack of a surprise was very surprising to me. I’m actually playing MapleStory. Difficult to believe, but it’s true. The magnitude of the moment lets me forget that I’m still playing a shitty game.

There aren’t a lot of targets down there though, so I head up this weird crystal/vine/snake fursona to a platform where I can do some real mob control.

It’s time for pointless violence. Now I’m positive that I’m playing a video game. If there’s nothing to do except beat the shit out of local wildlife, then by God I’ll cover the meadows and forests in their corpses.
Seen here is Star Bubble, Nimona’s only special attack for now. It passes through multiple enemies, making it extremely useful. Not all classes get mobbing skills this early. Some might call it a good skill to have. Those people obviously have the game muted.
In place of MP, I have a charge meter of some sort. An invisible one. Instead of just showing an actual meter where my MP meter was, that thing in the upper-right indicates whether or not I can use Star Bubble. Using skills depletes the charge. How do I charge up my spookerpowers, you ask?

Just by shooting things with my regular Megaman attack. That’s it. I don’t have to buy MP potions, or any potions except health. I could cry tears of happiness right now.
Still, it looks like the strategy is “hold down attack button forever, press special button sometimes, chug potions intermittently.” MapleStory. MapleStory never changes.

maplestory.jpg

Now I feel like a real-ass protagonist adventurer. I’ve cast off the shackles of quest-givers and potion merchants, and I’m free to slaughter whatever life-forms I fancy. I’ve even got my own crib.
What, you don’t believe me?

Let’s teleport to it right now.

Yeah. Here we are. The Lovely Buster Suite. Eskalade didn’t mention that this Barbie playhouse is part of the spookerpowers package, which is weird, because there are some dresses hanging there for Nimona to try on. You’d think he would have let Nimona know about that right away.
Unfortunately, the only thing I can do here is click the thing that says “Click.” I hope it doesn’t play an Adam Sandler movie.

OH FUCK IT’S WORSE, NO NO NO NO NONONONONO
I’m not going through that again.

My bloodlust has been sated for now, so I teleport back to Pantheon and explore rightways this time. Here’s the portal to other dimensions they have lying around. One would expect that to be a big deal, but no, the Nova ignore it. It must lead to some shitty dimensions.

The area to the right of Pantheon is darker, with more dramatic music. I can’t wait to see where this leads!

Just to a portal.

One that Nimona doesn’t want to enter because of reasons.

Luckily, Tiron is right over here. Let’s ask him if anything happened at HQ.

Nope, guess not. Through the portal we go!

Fine. I will adventure in a different direction if you’re going to be like that.

The only other route out of town leads to more grinding arenas, and there are other people about. Absolutely disgusting. Plus, the monsters get harder further out, so I can either grind up a few levels or suck a chode. Well, speaking of chodes, I might as well do whatever stupid bullshit Eskalade wants, since it’s obviously the main plot.

You know what, Buick? Fuck you. I’m not amused by your antics anymore. I know you’re really old. Women weren’t invented back in the day, I get it. But you’re still being a legendary-tier asshole and if there were a “chop your own arm off” skill, I’d use it.

Ha ha, peace and justice. I thought the Heliseum Force was all about dicking around and being a crybaby? My knowledge of the Heliseum Force comes entirely from Nimona, though.

“I recover stamina by jerkin’ it to minors in ostentatious garb.”

“The transformation process is for my eyes only, baby. I get you all to myself.”

None of what anybody has said in this entire game has been pretty smart.
No, actually, I’ve gotta hand it to Eskalade for talking Nimona into doing all this. He’s a smart pedophile: the worst kind.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Nimona, don’t go along with this. It’s max creeps. Creep level 250. Don’t agree to be his busty angel. This is… this is making my entire body cringe. I regret accepting his quest. The reward is probably humiliation and shame.

The reward is Eskalade’s white potion.
aaaaaaaaaaaaa—

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Nope fuck that fuck you fuck this I’m out peace

tune in next time for when eskalade probably keeps being super fucking creepy

Part 3: The Maples of Wrath