Let's try that again

This thread is for the epic responses you've thought of to various posts in various threads in the Forum-Based Games section, which you were unable to actually post because you thought of them too late, didn't have time, would be double posting if you did, etc. Basically, you take any of the threads that involve a response to only the person posting directly before you (i.e. "Define this", "Questions/answers", "Wish granting", etc) and you make an alternative response which is much more epic than the response that was actually given in the thread.

I'll start.

I wish to find my true love.

Granted. You are travelling through the desert, extremely thirsty, hungry, and hot, but you know that you are approaching the end of the vast desert. Suddenly, one day, you find that you are not alone, and that there is a beautiful young lady dying of dehydration in your path. When she looks up at you, there is an instant inexplicable trust and connection between you, and you know that you are her only hope for survival, and that each of you is the other's only hope for eternal blissful companionship. You pick her up and whisper in her ear "Hold on, it's not much farther; we'll make it out of here together". You feel her relax with relief, trust, and love as she gives your neck a feeble kiss which must have taken a great deal of effort on her part. Suddenly, you discover for a second time, that you are not alone. A vicious, deranged, axe-wielding sadist has been stealthily following you all this time, and he suddenly springs forth and throws a poisoned dart at you which immediately begins to make your muscles relax into useless idleness. He grabs you, shoves you up against a nearby cactus, pulls out a large quantity of rope and binds you to the cactus with seemingly unnatural speed and strength, so that you won't be able to move even once the poison wears off. He then violently tortures, rapes, and murders your true love right before your eyes. He casually strolls off into the distance, leaving you to die in the desert heat with nothing to look at but the mutilated body of your one true soulmate.

(also, the poison contained not only a muscle relaxant, but also an extremely potent carcinogen, so you get cancer on top of all the other misfortune).