i found a terrible thing

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Jun 29, 2018 at 4:32 AM
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I was on steam a couple days back and I checked out the community for CS+. There, someone reposted what I think was the worst fanfiction ever. The OP had semi good writing skills and put it into this.

So, here it is. Quick NSFW warning.
Soon after our gay marriage, I once again found myself sitting on the exact same rock as where I started, with the exact same look of pondering and confusion. You see, I really have been terribly afraid to admit this to the public for quite some time, but it really is genuinely true. You see, I- I-

"I have a thing for King." I suddenly blurted out, with the village's resident fatso, Mahin, standing right next to me.

"What?" he asked, stuffing his face with potato chips.

"I SAID: I have a THING for KING!" I repeated myself, standing up and facing him.

"What? You have a new show on 4-Kids?" he asked me, obviously faking it.

"I SAID I HAVE A THING FOR KING!" I yelled aggravatedly at him, grabbing him by the shoulder, pulling him toward me and showing him the incredibly shiny silver ring on my left index finger. "What part of that fricking sentence do you not understand?"

"So does that mean you're...uhhh...it's on the tip of my tongue...uhhh..." Mahin struggled to think of the word that he was clearly trying to say.

"Gay?" I sighed. "In that case, mostly for King. He's been my BFF ever since the day the two of us were both born in the same womb! We showered together, we bathed together, we masturbated together, we slept together even in Chako's bed, we trimmed our toenails together, we surfed the Internet together...hell, we even shared the same goddamned piece of mint-flavored dental floss! Seriously, if you can name it, we did it together!" I explained.

ONE INCREDIBLY LONG LIST READING OF ALL OF THE THINGS THAT KING AND I DID TOGETHER LATER...

"So, uhhh...were you paying attention to all of that, my friend?" I asked him.

"Uhhh...sorry, no, I'm afraid not." Mahin answered. "I'm afraid I was too busy wondering why you never mentioned the breastfeeding part!"

FIVE SECONDS LATER...

"Ow, why'd you throw me off the cliff?!" Mahin whined.

"Figure it out yourself, Douch3bag. Put two and two together for once! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some urgent and rather pressing matters to attend to." I explained, heading back into the Assembly Hall, which was exactly as I remembered it except for one thing...there was a giant hot tub in there!

"SURPRISE!" King yelled as I walked in, startling me so much that I almost jumped three feet into the air. Turning my head over to the right of me, I saw Sue and Toroko standing in the corner of the room, the former of which carrying a video camera for some odd reason.

"Umm, Sue isn't going to use that video camera for the purpose I think she's gonna use it for...is she?" I asked King nervously.

"Oh, yes I am!" Sue snickered, setting the camera to recording mode.

"Umm...King? I really don't wanna do this in public with girls watching us...especially when one of them has a visual recording device with the capability of uploading videos onto the Internet..." I explained, trembling a little from the wonderment of what exactly it was that he was going to make me do.

"Come on in, the water's fine!" King encouraged me. "Look, if you don't take your shirt off and hop in now, I'm going to kick you in the nuts."

Ah yes, classic King. While he certainly was a heroic and noble badass, he always was an egotistical, narcissistic douch3bag jock as well, in case you couldn't tell from the obviously excessive amount of decorations on the soles of his feet. I mean seriously, who in the hell has his name literally tattooed onto his bare fricking soles?!

"Okay, fine. You win." I sighed, accepting his offer despite the fact that he was obviously trolling me by setting upthis undeniably bizarre and unnatural predicament for me. I could hear the girls wolf-whistling and thumping their feet as I smoothly slithered my naked body into the hot tub; of course, I shot both of them a look of disapproval as punishment.

Anyway, there we were, me and King naked together in a hot tub. The possibilities were endless, and nearly every single one of them involved sex in at least some way or another.

"So," King began, "it would seem that you have an awful lot of career potential here in Mimiga Town, given the fact that you somehow inexplicably managed to rebuild the entire fuccing place with your bare hands, am I right?"

"You are very much correct, sir, husband, sir!" I agreed, glancing over at the girls to make sure that they weren't getting too creepy over there. Toroko's reaction was hilarious; she didn't even have the first clue what was going on. She was in her own heart-meltingly adorable little world, what with her curling up into a literal furball and rolling around the room like an actual sphere, making the most indescribably adorable little squeaky noises and nibbling on the floor grass while doing so.

"Therefore," King explained, "I personally think that you would make an amazing...24/7 graveyard guardian! What do you say to that, huh?"

"NO! There is no WAY I am standing in front of the door to that stinking place 24 goddamned 7 just to guard the village from monsters that are already completely freaking harmless anyways! You can kiss my a$$!" I ranted angrily, infuriated beyond belief that he still had the nerve to suggest this stupid job to me. Honestly, what do I look like to him, someone who never even freaking completed college?

"Oh, that's part of what I'm planning to do here, amigo." King whispered in my ear, wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me against his awe-inspiringly muscular chest.

"Um...you too! Heh! Heh!" I laughed nervously, sweating a little.

"Look, if you won't accept my job recommendation for you, then I won't let you do THIS!" King tempted me, lifting his left foot out of the water and sticking the mouth-wateringly gorgeous bare sole in my face, wiggling his toes seductively while doing so. "Could you...tickle my feet a little?" he asked, winking at me. "I'm feeling a little blue."

My face was blushing so hard that I actually thought the blood vessels within were literally about to burst, but I eventually worked up enough courage to dig in. As my thumbs once again deftly swept across his sole and rubbed every single one of his sweet spots into a state of absolute relaxation, King moaned considerably louder than before with sheer sweet pleasure.

"OHHH...YEAAAH...OH MAN, THAT FEELS GOOD...Anyway, the rules to this job are very...AHHH...simple. AHHH...OH YEAH...KEEP GOING, MY FAITHFUL SERVANT...NOW HERE'S MY RIGHT FOOT..." he moaned, begging me to keep going.

"OH, YESSS...anyway, as long as you stay on guard...OOO...and do what you're told...GOD, YOU'RE DOING SUCH AN AMAZING JOB...NOW HERE'S BOTH OF MY FEET...COME ON AND LICK THEM...DON'T BE AFRAID..." he moaned, clearly acquiring almost as much of an erection as I was.

"OHHH MY LORRRD...SWEET JESUS, THAT FEELS SO SATISFYING...GOD, I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW MUCH YOU MUST BE ENJOYING THIS..." he moaned almost-but-not-quite 0rgasmically as I licked all over the tops and bottoms of his feet as if they were lollipops.

"Um, guys, Toroko got into the beer!" Sue yelled at us.

"I'm sleepy...YAY! NAPPY TIME WITH MY TEDDY BEAR, MR. CUDDLES! Tee hee hee! Uh-oh, Mr. Wee-Wee's going leaky-leak!" Toroko squeaked adorably.

"Yuck, I stepped in her pi$$ puddle! Eww!" Sue winced in disgust.

"NOBODY CARES!" King yelled back as I continued testing him to see how far he would go before having an 0rgasm. "Here comes the airplane..." I muttered to myself as I opened my mouth real wide and stuck King's foot into it. "MMMMMFFFFH!" I grunted loudly, nearly creaming my nonexistent pants from how truly, irresistibly scrumptious it tasted.

"OHH MAN...THE SEXINESS...I DON'T THINK I CAN EVEN TAKE IT ANYMORE! MERCY! MERRRCY!" King moaned as I sucked on his toes like a thirty-dollar hooker sucking dicc, "Anyway, as long as you stay on..OHHHHHHHH...guard and do what you're...OOOOOOOOH...told, you'll recieve a pretty solid...AHHHHHHHH...paycheck!"

Suddenly realizing that we were being watched, I asked King the one question I never imagined myself asking him before. "Please kill me. Now."

"Later." he replied, causing Sue to roll on the floor laughing as King suddenly wrapped his feet around my throbbing, pulsating...ahem...love handle.

"Oh my God...this is SO fuccing gay..." I thought to myself regretfully as I proceeded to wrap my own feet around his pulsating, throbbing...ahem...red rocket.

"S-Should we really be doing this?!" I stammered in terror at the thought of what the general public's reaction to this would be.

"Of course. The writer wants us to. Now say it. Say the line, and we shall begin." King commanded me.

"At your wish, my lord and husband...bonjour, mon frere." I whispered in his ear, swallowing my pride and beginning the final stretch that would officially drive us to the greatest climax of our lives.

As we vigorously and rapidly pumped each other's diccs with our feet, becoming more and more aroused by the millisecond, I suddenly remembered all of the great times I had had with King during our childhood...like those times when he would scrub the school chalkboards with my face, or that time when he poured hot vinegar into my glasses, or that infamous time when he dangled me off the edge of the Outer Wall...god damn, was I happy to still be alive at this moment in particular.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...OH MY GOD, IT FEELS SO FUCCING AMAZING, I THINK I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE, I LITERALLY CAN'T FUCCING CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT ANYMORE...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" we both screamed simultaneously with pleasure as s3men literally gushed from our diccs, causing the water in the hot tub to turn white.

"God, can you imagine how many fangirls of ours would literally die just to swim in that mess?" King asked me.

"Don't even mention it, pal." I laughed, high-fiving him and trying desperately not to vomit in the process.

"Hey, look how many views this video got on Youtube!" Sue giggled.

"Oh my God, we are so dead..." King and I gasped, fainting onto the floor.

"Hey, what's this white stuff in the water?" Toroko asked curiously, sticking her finger into the water and licking it.

THE END?
For some reason, certain words are hyperlinked to links. I don't want to click on them, so be careful.
 
Jun 29, 2018 at 4:42 AM
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Oh hi, Xandermartin! I was wondering when we would see your intellectual handiwork over here ever again :balrog:
 
Jun 29, 2018 at 4:56 AM
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Just googled that and apparently theyre the OP. Are they a troll or something?
 
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Jun 29, 2018 at 5:04 AM
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To basically sum him up shortly, he had a Jack fetish, he had an Alphys fetish, he thinks his fanfics are the best, he thinks his headcanon is the true canon.
He was no troll whatsoever, he gets way too serious over shit. He even got some people from Reddit coming over to say he has a bounty on his head!

He's better off being forgotten, though
 
Jun 29, 2018 at 5:07 AM
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Jun 29, 2018 at 5:57 AM
lol
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This is so sad, can we close this thread to quietly subdue his existence.
 
Jun 29, 2018 at 7:09 AM
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This is so sad, can we hit 1.7k likes?

FTFY
 
Jun 29, 2018 at 5:31 PM
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the whole "making fun of people who make fanart or draw fetishes" scene is getting real old. yeah i didn't really like his content and he probably wasn't super tactful but it seemed like he really thought his stuff was good, and i don't think that should encourage ridicule, and especially not give them some sort of infamous status in the community.
 
Jun 29, 2018 at 8:01 PM
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Good point.

That wasnt my intention anyway.
 
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Jun 30, 2018 at 9:52 PM
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it seemed like he really thought his stuff was good
Correction. He thought his stuff was absolutely amazing beyond comprehension. He seriously thought he was the god of Cave Story fanfiction, and it was quite hilarious seeing how serious and non-sarcastic he was whenever he praised himself.
 
Jul 1, 2018 at 2:20 AM
lol
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Correction. He thought his stuff was absolutely amazing beyond comprehension. He seriously thought he was the god of Cave Story fanfiction, and it was quite hilarious seeing how serious and non-sarcastic he was whenever he praised himself.
I doubt any of us current users are CS fan-fict writers, so let's just leave the fan-fictions to the professionals.
 
Jul 1, 2018 at 5:18 AM
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Professionals...lol

I haven't seen much fanfictions myself. Then again, I don't go out for that stuff anyway.
 
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Jul 1, 2018 at 6:00 AM
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I haven't seen much fanfictions myself. Then again, I don't go out for that stuff anyway.

Honestly same.
Fan-fiction, of any caliber or topic, quite honestly terrifies me. Writing is a powerful medium that doesn't require a whole lot off skill to convey your thoughts, so it's pretty easy to go into notepad or whatever and go ham. It truly does get a shudder out of me...
 
Jul 1, 2018 at 6:06 AM
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Christ, they're just fanmade stories, they're not gonna harm you. It just all depends on whether the ones by a specific person are good or not. Don't like 'em? Try someone else's for a change
 
Jul 1, 2018 at 6:18 AM
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I get where you're coming from. I've just had a bumpy road with fanfiction and now I simply can't read some without feeling extremely displaced. Of course I'm not saying all fan-fiction and writers of fan-fiction is/are bad. I'm just saying I can't stand them without feeling at ease. Perhaps "terrified" wasn't the best word to use in my previous post, probably "uncomfortable" makes more sense.
 
Jul 1, 2018 at 4:37 PM
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Aug 21, 2018 at 4:47 AM
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I was on steam a couple days back and I checked out the community for CS+. There, someone reposted what I think was the worst fanfiction ever.

Aw, come on it can't be bad.

*A quick read later*

I take it back, IT IS BAD :muscledoc::balrog:
 
Aug 21, 2018 at 6:24 AM
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This is so sad
Alexa, play Despacito.


But, in all seriousness, why the hell does this exist? Why the hell does this need to exist? I need to go bleach my eyes out now.
 
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Aug 21, 2018 at 12:45 PM
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Did yall even look at the rest of the thread, it's like ten posts now it's not too hard, I'm here if you need help
 
Aug 21, 2018 at 3:25 PM
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Did yall even look at the rest of the thread, it's like ten posts now it's not too hard, I'm here if you need help

Thanks, but I did read the rest of the thread.
 
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