Breakdown

I am at a breakdown m8s. Give me a heads up if you want, I am very sad. You may call me superstitious if you want, but I'll be honest with my story:
I was regarded a man with good report and a doctor whose fame spread from my city even to the nearby villages. I was once a high-ranking legal initate into the ancient mysteries (via special Rosicrucian, masonic, egyptian and other lines, being legally initiated without being part of these orders). I had many friends.
All this has ended when I have accessed certain rituals -unauthorized- (out of motivation to help others with higher knowledge). Unfortunately they contained a suggestion which in time proves self-destructive to the one reading it.
Guilt has destroyed me, I am a wreck. A weak person everyone can -and you know how some people are, they take the chance- step on.
What keeps me alive is the want to help others. Why throw away a life, when you can still give something to others?

Thank you if you have read this,
trickybilly

 

When I saw the title of this thread, I was hoping that it had to do with the track from the CS soundtrack with the same name. But I wondered why it would have been put in the Satellite Lounge instead of the music section. I'll be honest, when I saw that you seem to be writing about something much more serious, I was hoping that this might have been one of those copypastas because I would not wish this kind of stress and emotional strain on anyone; however, I don't think you seem like the copypasta type, so I'm inclined to suspect that this is legitimate. My condolences.

Since the details of your situation are (probably necessarily) vague, I can't honestly say that I really understand the gravity of what you must be going through. I know I have had a bit of guilt lately for crossing some boundaries that I knew better than to cross, and it's not an easy feeling.

You say that guilt has destroyed you, but I don't believe that's true. Guilt calls attention to our missteps, especially when we know that we have strayed off of the straight and narrow. The weight of guilt can certainly feel like it is pulling us apart, but guilt ultimately need not have control over us. You may feel like a wreck, but your persistent desire to help others indicates that your spirit still has vitality left. Hold on to that and serve the people around you; this is one way to start to mend your wounds.

On a perhaps related note, I'm not what the esoteric circles you have been a part of might have taught you, but a professor of mine once suggested to me an idea regarding knowledge that I have grown to appreciate very much. If a discovery or breakthrough leads to greater compassion in the world, it is knowledge; if not, it is just more information.

I hope you find hope. It's out there, and it's awfully bleak out there without it. I'm convinced, though, that no one is beyond the reaches of hope—it's just a matter of where they look for it. I'm happy to chat more if you would like.

 

Yet again I am left wondering what someone who leads such an important and demanding lifestyle sees in a dinky little forum like this You're a fine man, william, and I sincerely hope you don't stay down for long. To have your talents squandered would be an abhorrent waste.

 

... I'm assuming this isn't Copypasta, however, I'll be sad to say... but.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sorry

 

Thank you for your support. Mosaic, it is very kind of you to offer help, I might PM you some day when I'll get strength and time.

All the suggestions are centred around the idea of "self imposed punishment" or "self- harm", they just differ regarding the means of it. I think it is not releavant at all, since the ultimate result of any kind of destruction is annihilation. Such a suggestion is quoted below:

Spoiler

"...(under the awful penalty of) voluntarily submitting myself to a deadly and hostile current of will set in motion by the chiefs of the Order, by which I should fall slain and paralyzed without visible weapon as if slain by the lightning flash."

Normally, regular "curses" set by others can be easily neutralized by wishing good to the one cursing you "Bless those who curse you". This case is different because I am the one punishing myself.

 

trickybilly plz don't sacrifice any virgins

 

trickybilly plz don't sacrifice any virgins

Some facts about true occultism:
1) The highest altar in the world is the pure heart of man. (therefore sacrafices and other outward manipulations do not hold a significant place in true occult)
2) It aims to bring the best out of man. God is the best in man.
3) A man will not limit himself to the meat from his hat to his shoes, but he feels that he is one with everything.
4) A man who feels that he is one with everything in the world must necessarily love everything as himself - since he affirms that everything is himself.
5) An occultist knows that his thoughts and feelings shape the world, and he acts accordingly.

 

Some facts about true occultism:

So you do not deny that you are a cultist, then.