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are you alright?

i wish

things are not going the right way and i can't even force myself to *try* to fix them

this is not okay and i don't know what to do...

You could say more about it, I'm sure many kindly and able people from around here will be ready to help!

except i've been a bother to people for way too long =v= and it's not like anyone can change a thing...

but then again why did i post this status... i don't understand




just tell me how to overcome the fear and force myself to finally go to that fking psychologist...

When you can't rely upon your own judgement then you seriously need an outside perspective. You need to involve other people or you will never get anywhere. You don't need to see a psychologist straight away, the first step is engaging with other people. I know it is hard, but at some point you really need to unload on somebody.

This sentence..:
"except i've been a bother to people for way too long =v= and it's not like anyone can change a thing..."
..is the most detrimental lie you are telling yourself right now.

@andwhyisit
you see, i've tried involving other people; i tried contacting others, making friends; but in the end, no. it just didn't work... i ended up just isolating myself from others even more... i have my few trusted friends, and i talk with them a lot whenever i feel down or something; it helps, but with all that happens now, i do need to see professional help. i was even suggested that. after all, constant breakdowns and crying myself to sleep every two nights... does that seem normal? getting sad and worried for no reason? being unable to control my own thoughts sometimes... tsk, funny stuff. i don't know anymore... maybe i'm just telling myself something is wrong..? maybe i want to think something is wrong and everything is actually okay...

and tell my mind to accept that. even my best friend can't convince me i'm not actually being a bother to people. this is stronger than me. ;(

So what are you specifically afraid of when it comes to seeing a psychologist?

i don't know if i *can* be fully specific... there are some things that i can't explain because i don't understand them

but i'll try to make it clear: first of all, i should probably call the place first and set an appointment or something, and i'm super bad when it comes to talking on phone (and talking to strangers, even more...); moreover, i am not 100% it's the right place; but (translating) Critical Invervention Point sounds kind of right... and they offer free psychological advice or something like that... i asked a friend too, she told me that should be the place. still, i don't want to look like an idiot. going to the place alone doesn't seem great either. that makes me scared too. like, i could go. but last time i went there with a friend (it was closed anyway ;w; ) i was literally fighting with myself for ~30 minutes to even get close to the door... *sigh* and now i'll probably have to go there myself, because not sure if the same guy has time anymore, and i'm not asking other two friends because i told them i'm not going to bother them with that anymore; they have their own problems too, i guess... so i am not going to be another one. and lastly, i am not even sure what i would say there. i don't know what's wrong anymore. EVERYTHING seems wrong... they'd have to ask me questions... and what if they don't do that? what would i do?

it seems like i'm making this more of a problem than it actually is ;(

I can understand the desire to fight change, since I myself find it very hard to break the status quo. However I am quite certain that this is one of those things where you fear it until it happens, like a kid fearing his first needle.

Fair enough you don't like to talk to strangers, but if that were actually true then you would never have had any friends, because they were all strangers at one point or another. How did you break past that mindset to get the friends you have today?

Of course they would ask questions, they can't help you otherwise.

Can't your family go with you?

i am fairly certain it IS something like that. still, for some reason i can't seem to break myself and simply go there.

about my friends; how..? well, alright; it's not like i don't talk to people at all. basically i have three people in real life i call friends, and well... one of them i've known since i was in elementary school, so i guess that was before i was even in such shape =v= another one i met through her, and the last one is a guy from my class who seemed to have no friends and somehow we started talking and it clicked. but the rest of my friends are people met online, and i'm a lot more open there...

and actually, if they asked questions and i had some time to think, that'd be the best thing; i'd have problems if i had to think of something to say myself...

and my family. *cough*
nobody knows a single thing. i've been hiding my problems from them for who knows long, but at least i had good reasons for that. so that means they think for the most part i'm just super okay. =v= funny, but i don't want them to know. i don't need to give them problems - and i don't need more problems from their side either. so unless we count taking advice from friends and people now - i'm basically alone in this...

So I take it you are one of those people who fear the empty silence that happens when you are talking about something and suddenly run out of things to say? If so then I can relate. However a psychologist would have to keep the ball rolling because its kinda their job. How is it any different from what you are doing with me right now (except, y'know, he/she knows what they are doing)?

"i had good reasons for that"
Mind elaborating? Is there some part of your current state that stems from your family?

i don't like that silence so i will have to agree. and how? i don't know. i'm talking with you because it was simply easy to pick up the topic and you still seem like you know a few things about it. not counting the fact i kind of know you because i've been on the forums for quite a long time so you're not an absolute stranger (while still being one in some way?). plus, again, i don't have so many problems talking on the internet, compared to real life. and honestly this started by accident, because of your comment on this status... and also, to talk to a psychologist i'd have to go to the place, which is also a problem itself =v= sounds super dumb but i feel really scared about it

i don't want to get into all the details, but i'll throw some keywords: father's alcohol problems (already over, thankfully); arguments; divorce danger; lying mother; no love (at least i didn't get any...); no real support. back in time i was still kind of trying to talk about how i feel, but it didn't end up well anyway~ so i just started not to talk about anything like that with my family. i don't really trust my parents anymore, and if there's one person here i truly care for, it's my younger brother because he still has a chance for a good life... but yeah. i kind of said alot. sorry about that.

That sounds pretty harsh.

As for the psychologist, you need to keep trying to get inside that door. Once you have done it, it will become a nonevent for you.

I certainly must note from experience that an understanding of how you are being irrational does not automatically mean that said irrationality will stop. We as humans are emotional creatures and sometimes emotion and logic clashing will result in emotion winning out.

In the end you need some outside willpower to get you in that door. It could be your friend or your brother or anyone, you just need that extra nudge in the right direction.

that's how life goes, i didn't get to choose it.

and that's honestly the most difficult part. making myself go and do something. and i've been there with one friend once, but for some reason the place was closed... probably an unplanned event happened or something like that. my brother can't really help, he doesn't know either and he's only 12 =v= that means he'd rather make fun out of me if anything.

irrational or not, i'm unable to live normally anymore. that's the problem here... and i don't understand what's going on anymore ;( i've been (sadly) going like that for a few years already, scared to ask for help or anything. but now, when i can take things into my hands, i can try... but it's still so late (never too late?) that i will be having problems with that as well

*sigh*

this is an endless loop right now. no motivation because i feel like absolute crap, not getting help because no motivation. repeat. something like that, i guess. and while i know i have to do something, it's still really hard to do so... but please, just reassure me that
that something actually is wrong
i don't want to look like an idiot again
just how many times i was labeled with typical "kids these days" "attention whore" labels... it's funny

...

i need to do it or...
god, am i making it so difficult myself..?