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They say you don't meet God until you're at you're lowest. A notion I fully believe in.

I talked with him shortly after. At first tentatively. But then with growing assurance, because it was never like that before...

There was no real praying involved. Just hands behind my head, staring at the ceiling. And thinking.

Asking if what I believed, that I'd be okay no matter what in the grand scheme of things, was true. Because it's a big part of what I believe in, and if it isn't true...

Obviously I can't share exactly what we talked about that well. But as we did, a strange sort of beautiful white peace slipped into my heart.

I was afraid of change, before. Afraid that if I truly committed, that vital parts of me would die. Parts I didn't want to let go of.

But I realize now...I know what's important and what isn't. What is important, the big chunks of me, those won't have to die. They'll just change for the better. Be reforged in a new light.

I'm going to be very starkly truthful here. Maybe needlessly truthful. But I shouldn't have to be so afraid. I won't be so afraid. With practice, and with understanding. And this is a step.

What we discussed. The fetish...that will have to go, won't it? It is lust of the flesh, after all. But what lied behind it, transformation...that's just an interest. An idea I want to explore. And an interest is pure at its core. I was always afraid of another of my interests. But some people love dogs, and some people really like cats. I like a fictional creature known as a Gardevoir. And there's nothing wrong with that, is there?

So I realized that change isn't bad. Some things are sinful, and I'm going to want to hang on to those. But I can let go, given time. And sometimes there's a little grain of something really essential, something that can stay a part of me. The important things.

I'd like to try following God. With everything I've got. I know I won't let him in tomorrow. Maybe not the week after that, or the month, or the year. But little by little, with time, with his help, with my ally, with the love of my family and friends, I can open up. Find a way to change for the better. And life will really get sweeter.

Similarly, I'm not going to be afraid forever. There are very real people behind that glass, and they do care for me. No matter how much I try to think they don't. There's something very simple and true about that. People can make connections from across the world.

I don't think there's anything wrong with who I am. I'm eccentric, yes. Some people won't agree with me. Maybe my family will be in that category. But Polaris and my name aren't different people. Just different expressions of who I am, and what I'm made of. I think I need to show who that person is, all of it. Some people will be horrified, yes. Some will be very surprised, some won't want anything to do with me. But there are also a lot of people who will love to know the whole truth, like that person for who they are. I can see all of the relationships that could be so much stronger, relationships I am passive in. I was afraid of closeness. I still am. But I've never experienced it, and it could be something very beautiful indeed.

I'm not entirely sure of what I'll do in the future. It can be a bright one, and I want to see how I'll get there. But that's okay. What I do know is that I'm going to sleep now.

And I'll wake up to a new day.

Yes
Yes

I'm not talking about you opening up, even a bit, by the way
That matters far less to me than someone deciding they're going to follow God more closely.
We've discussed my reasons before, so I don't need to get into that, but...
Those same reasons apply to God, even more so. He needs that way more than I do. And Polaris, you have no idea how happy this makes me. A good friend of mine having an epiphany and then making a conscious decision to get closer to God? That has to be the best Christmas present I've ever received.

Well, I'm going to be trying, at least. I never did that before. I always tried to talk with Him once in a while but I knew that I was too scared to actually devote myself, and I was honest about this. I've never even been baptized. Simply never got the opportunity, and when I was offered the chance 5 years ago and worked up the courage to accept, that chance was taken away.

Well, I'm glad I didn't get that chance. I didn't know then what I know now.

It's going to be gradual, I can't change so suddenly and drastically. But I have an endgoal now, and I can see it. Something I've never had. I think I can do it.

And who knows, maybe it won't be as hard as I think, anyway. :3

But besides that. Maybe you consider that more important, and in some ways it is. But that opening up part, that's crucial too. I've kept myself very, very sheltered from literally everybody and everything for the longest time now, except for me, myself, and M;4$#. I speak really quietly, hover at the edges of most groups, never had any close friends or even, I recently realized, a desire for any. That's what I meant when I said that I didn't like where you were going with your speech, because I didn't want to be that close to anyone. I don't think most people I know on Earth, not even my relatives, know more than the littlest puddle about who I am, nebulous as that is. It's like, on the internet, I'm known for trying to be nice and stuff, my ambiguity, and my odd personality among other things maybe I think wow that last sentence was weird to write I don't actually know what people think of me. Where I live, I'm the wow nevermind I don't know what people think of me here either and I'm not guessing. But let me just tell you that they definitely don't match up. Because I don't talk. Ever.

And I just don't commit to anything at all. And lots of other things I won't bother explaining. I don't even remember how it first started, all this, but it's been a huge part of my life since ever. And I was fine with it. I planned on getting through things and then quietly wasting away alone yet happy. But I realize now that I shackled myself. And even now, the idea of falling in love, getting married, and all that jazz is frightening. But I can't bar my future entirely from such potentially beautiful things. I can't now, anyway.

So really freeing myself from those self-created chains is kind of an exciting prospect. I could ramble more but I'm already running out of space, if I haven't already passed the limit. I might write more later...

Well I can assure you that your outstanding kindness is certainly a defining quality to us. Everyone knows that you're winning Nicest User this year, there's no room for doubt. And that's how I tend to think of you. As the person who's kind and selfless beyond what I am for the vast majority of the time, but about whom I know so little. But I also know of you as a good friend. It's strange to think that I feel as if you're as much of a friend to me as say, Sold, yet I know next to nothing about you. It takes a special kind of person to do that.

My tablet is about to die but I have more to say; would you like to continue this on Skype? I'm getting a little uncomfortable having this conversation in public.

I don't see why, it might be a little odd coming from me but this is exactly the sort of conversation I don't mind people seeing. c:

But, sure. I'll see you there.

I know that when the time comes you'll make the right choice. Good luck.

The time came a bit sooner than I thought...but I think I did.

Jesus Christ, I hardly know you (well, I suppose now I know you fairly well) and this still brought a tear to my eye. I mean, wow. Polaris, you kick ass.

Only my own. Still, thank you. -w-

When I wrote that, I'm glad I had the foresight to know that it would take a very long time to see results. Progress has been slow in some areas, I've taken steps backward in others. Still, I'm convinced I can do it. I haven't forgotten what I said nearly a year ago.