I don't think many people have seen the invite to my Discord Server which is linked on my YouTube channel.
I suppose I could send it here in case anyone who didn't know I had a Discord server could join it.
It recently got a couple new members, and I've been trying to make it more active.
Here's the link: https://discord.com/invite/t3V94qT
This is going to be the last time I make a profile post even remotely related to my problems.
I truly apologize for making these profile posts. I shouldn't have brought any of this upon any of you. It's my suffering, not yours, and it's already probably become clear to all of you that you can't help me.
By making these posts, I have driven you away from me, I have made you uncomfortable, I have made you dislike me, I have annoyed you, and I have made you lose respect for me.
I've kept these feelings in for so long before I started making posts like this, and it has been getting to where I can't keep any of it in anymore, but that doesn't excuse any of it.
I've lately been contemplating seeking a therapist, but to be honest, I don't think even they will be able to help me.
From now on, I am not going to vent about my problems on here, or anywhere, unless it's with someone in private. None of you should have to be dragged down into this hell with me.
I am broken. Unending despair has consumed me. Nothing you say can change that.
Every project I've been involved in previously has failed. I'm a fraud because I make something and don't finish it. Project Ampersand was never finished because I'm incompetent. Someone wanted me to compose the soundtrack for a version of their Cave Story, mod. I've only finished a few tracks, and it takes me way too long. I wouldn't be surprised if I've been replaced by a certain someone because I never finish anything.
What will likely happen after I'm 18 is that I'll never be able to make that game I want to make a reality, and I'll be stuck spending the rest of my life with a shitty job that I'd only get purely for getting money, and rotting away.
I was delusional for ever thinking I could be an indie game developer. I was delusional for ever wanting to achieve anything I wanted to achieve. It's already too late. The majority of other people the same age and even younger are better than me at everything. Some of my friends can code, and I cannot. Somehow, music was the one thing I actually was able to become good at. (Even then, my music isn't noticed much, and everything seems to always be in favor of someone else) I'm lazy, burnt out, and demotivated 24/7, so it's impossible for me to become good at those things.
This is my fate whether I like it or not. I can either put up with it, or die.
I hate Gen Z so damn much. They do so much shit that utterly concerns and confuses me. This world feels like it's falling apart My life feels like it's steadily falling apart.
I hate being a part of Gen Z. I wish I was born at least a decade earlier, or back when things weren't nearly as depressing. If I were born a decade earlier, I would've been able to participate in the Cave Story community/fandom during its prime, I would've been able to experience things I wish I was able to experience. And to be honest, I feel a strange connection with the late 90's to early 2010's. Almost as if I belonged. Almost as if I lived a previous life during then, but I lost that life, and now I'm stuck in this life, as part of Gen Z, where there's a pandemic that has practically become an endemic on steroids, and other things I won't mention. It could explain why I get this feeling of nostalgia, and de ja vu for many things that are pre-2013 with some exceptions from 2013 - 2016. Of course, I don't actually believe any of that. Who do you think I am, Chris Chan?
But, feelings of nostalgia, and de ja vu for many things that are pre-2013 with some exceptions from 2013 - 2016 is something I actually do experience.
I'm kind of panicking right now.
There's this mod that I want to make for the modfest going on right now, but the person making the sprites has been having issues with his internet.
I know I said I was going to become better at drawing, and I have been practicing a bit. But I only have three days left to finish this mod, so I need someone who is actually good at drawing for this. It's either this mod is finished before May 3rd, or it'll never be finished.
I apologize for the post from yesterday.
I wasn't thinking straight, and something happened that caused me to become extremely upset.
I will be honest though, I'm sick of being in projects that become abandoned or cancelled.